M I went to go see a TRIBUTE BAND last week—not expecting to see Kurt Cobain—but expecting to see a tribute band. It was at Andrew’s Pub and there were three French so-called rockers and it was the worst tribute band/musicians/performance one will ever see in their lives. Whoever was there will know exactly what I’m talking about. It was a pathetic scene and, had Spin magazine gone to Andrew’ s Pub on that night, I think that they would have asked George W. Bush to drop a big fat bomb, because our weapons of mass destruction are these three characters—shady characters at that—who are nothing of a tribute band to anybody except a rotten decaying corpse. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To the poseur who wrote the article about the Montreal music scene being dead, maybe if you expanded your horizons and actually went out to a few concerts—people who aren’t your friends—you would see that the Montreal scene is really happening! I go to a lot of cool concerts in this city—including people like Courtney Wing, In Word, John Lennox. There are amazing acts out there! All I can say is cut your BEARD and grow some HAIR. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is DJ Puppa Sacha’s WIFE. This is in reply to the question last week. The song “Mi Sick” by Gabriel is the Real Sex 2000 rhythm—that’s the name of the rhythm. You could find it on VP Records. And, on another note, I’d like to mention that coming on June 10, a new album by DJ Puppa Sacha—Reggaeton Hits Volume 2. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is a rant about all of the dykes who show up in the fucking Village at places where they don’t fit, such as the Black Eagle, which is supposed to be an all-man bar. What is the fucking problem with you bitches? Can’t you fucking find a place of your own?! For Christ’s sake, I’m wearing LEATHER, I don’t fucking want to see WOMEN’S TITS. It’s really annoying to see women showing up in all the gay bars all of the time—it makes me sick to my stomach and always will. For Christ’s sake, you had Magnolia, you had Sisters, but you bitch and complain all of the time about how you are being represented and everything else. Jesus H. Christ, why can’t you figure it out that men don’t want you in the bar—when men leave the entire section, doesn’t that mean “Get the fuck out of here, you stupid bitches”? Anyway, this is just to say that lesbians should stay in their own clubs and gays should stay in their own. Thank you. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hello, it’s about the Fetish Club night at Club Cleo for the Made in Japan thing. Well, we just spent $10 and we just got out and I have just one thing to say: fucking come on! The main show was a Chinese girl who gave herself a Japanese name and did a Shibari thing—and it wasn’t even Shibari! It was some other fetish thing. In Shibari, there’s not supposed to be whips on the body and ways to be sacrificed! I mean, get an education!! We paid $10 and what we saw was wannabe-bitches dressed in PVC trying to look like the next Cyndi Lauper, dancing like they were in a Skinny Puppy video clip, 20 pounds over what they were wearing. I just don’t understand. People, please get an education. Go to Japan. Go to Germany. Go to fucking Amsterdam. Have you ever read Marquis de Sade? Have you ever read Alain Robbe-Grillet? You don’t even know what fetish is! Made in Japan, more like Made in fucking SCROTUMLAND, okay? Peace out. Word to your mom. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the waitress who called in last week about CHEAP TIPPERS in Montreal. I tip 15 per cent and I give dirty looks to people who don’t, but this girl should learn to do MATH. If the government taxes you on eight per cent of your tip, then you’re not getting eight per cent taken out of your tip. You’re being taxed on that eight per cent, the same way that the rest of your pay is. [BLEEP!]

M Responding to a response, to these GET-A-FUCKING-JOB people. They represent everything that’s wrong with western society and civilization. Everyone in their place, everyone a spoke in the wheel. Everyone contributing to the system. Everyone pacified by their comfortable vices. People like that need a serious dose of Dead Kennedys or Bad Religion or Noam Chomsky. Balance, baby, it’s all about balance. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F HAIRLESS TESTICLES are awesome, like chihuahuas. You just wanna kiss ’em and squeeze ’em. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Bob calling. Okay, I need some help and this is the question. I started dating a girl and, after going down on her, I realized she has actually NO HAIR down there. I’m, like, 27 and I’m not feeling that whole 14-year-old style with no hair —it doesn’t work for me. So I guess my question to all the ladies and the guys is how do I approach that question with her without getting a smack in the face? Help me out. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum