Dear Sasha: Is there any way that engaging in threesomes too frequently could be destructive to a relationship? My boyfriend and I have already had one, it was a great experience, and if anything it only strengthened our love. I have no qualms about doing it again, I enjoyed it immensely, and not to mention I love to fuck girls as well as guys.

But this is my thing: I don't see myself being able to deal with repeating the situation with the same third party twice. I feel like a bit of an idiot because I'm the one who brought up having threesomes in the first place, and I'm really glad he's into it. We've also agreed it couldn't be something we do too frequently. Even so, I think that to have a threesome with the same person more than once would be a bad idea, for a few reasons. I would get bored with the same girl and I can't shake the feeling that somehow I would end up losing him to that person.

Are these rational fears? I want to have a threesome with him again, and I can tell he does too, but he's not pushing it because he doesn't want to force me into anything. He also isn't insisting on having a threesome with the same person again, but I can tell that he wouldn't mind. Now he's confused and insulted because he thinks I've misled him. I don't mean to let my insecurities get in the way of us having some fun, so what the hell do I do? » Penny

Dear Penny,
There are definitely ways a threesome can disrupt a principal relationship, and in general, they share common elements: lack of proper communication and lack of understanding about the reality of relationships overall - in other words, the very things that disrupt any relationship.

What this means is listening honestly as well as talking honestly, not belittling your partner when they bring up fears that seem nugatory to you, agreeing to certain boundaries and sticking to them, but knowing when to renegotiate as they become outdated. One reason people put boundaries on threesomes like the ones you've outlined is because they want to feel they have some measure of control over a new situation. Cut yourself some slack - you're just doing what we all do when we try something new, but just know that if you want to start exploring sexually, you might have to ease up on the keeping and losing mentality.

The whole point of sexual exploration is to have adventures and learn, and adventuring and learning, as any pioneer will tell you, are not without peril.

Dear Sasha:
I am a past-middle-age, happily-married woman. My husband and I have a number of gay friends, but I hesitate to ask any of them one certain question. Last week a young gay man referred to himself as a bottom. I've no idea what this means. Can you please explain. » R.L.

Dear R.L.,
I can see where this might be confusing. "Bottom" has several subtle definitions, but generally speaking, it means someone who prefers to play the submissive role in a sexual exchange, specifically one that involves SM (sado-masochistic) play. A book that might be of interest to you is The Bald-headed Hermit and the Artichoke, a sexual thesaurus by A.D. Peterkin. Won't your gay friends be wowed when you tell them you copped an Arabian Goggles from your hubby last night!

Black beat

Sarah Bach, an exuberant new employee at Come As You Are in Toronto, went to some trouble to track down information when I was in looking for SM resources for "Black in Toronto" last week [May 26]. Here is the most relevant and accessible of them now: An American SM group for people of colour is Black Beat (www.blackbeatinc.org). Dark Connections is another (www.darkconnections.com) and features SM porn with people of colour, as well as inspiring and intimate profiles of luminaries in the community. They both seem like great ways to hook up and talk openly.

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