M I don't understand why CHOM plays fuckin' "Hocus Pocus" by Focus at all. If you want to hear YODELLING go to the fuckin' NETHERLANDS. I don't want to hear the fuckin' "Hocus Pocus" ever again in my life and if CHOM continues playing it I'll never fuckin' listen to CHOM again! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Montreal radio sucks camel ass - I am so not impressed with the programming I'm hearing. So I'm trying to start some PIRATE RADIO, all right? Now I don't know exactly how to do this, so if somebody could help me you could reach me at [leaves phone number, would be better advised to leave e-mail address]. Help me help Montreal, you know what I mean? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so Montreal, this is about when events turn into events and become less about the music. I went to Swirl - a big Olympic stadium show, they must have dropped at least 150 g's on the whole thing. The sound system was all right in the techno room but, dude, if you're going to drop 150 on a party, invest $10,000 on frickin' soundproof curtains for the hip hop room! The VIP didn't even have its own speaker set-up, mad feedback everywhere. Nas, Beatnuts, Tony Touch, I couldn't hear them. I went there to listen, and it was whack. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so apparently Bright Eyes is what causes hot, young, show-going lasses to get their panties in a twist these days? Jesus Christ, man, what has happened to rock and roll?! What happened to the days when girls would get hot over long-haired, bearded, tattooed people who rocked, man? Bright Eyes is nothing but an INDIE ROCK WIMP who wouldn't know real rock 'n' roll if it bit him on his hairless testicles. [BLEEP!]

F Why doesn't the Mirror Best of Montreal have a worst bouncer category? Because I'd like to nominate the GoGo Lounge and especially the pretentious ASIAN PRAWN at Rouge who made me see red the other night. This discriminating bastard told us, "We won't be taking people in tonight," yet people kept filing in. Two hours later we went elsewhere. At least at Wunderbar, they're polite about the discrimination - "Are you on the list?" If this Rouge bouncer thinks he can strike a blow to our self-esteem, he's wrong. We've been to better bars in Montreal and elsewhere in the world. London. Even Ibiza. We're no fashion victims, we aren't even LUSHES. We're not even repulsive. Anyways, I choose the Green Room or the Orange Sofa to Rouge any night now. Here's my incantation: A hex on Rouge/I hope that you suffer the same fate as Cabaret Voltaire/The cursed spot where you inhabit now/We will do the dance of joy when there's a notice on your door/When you go faillité/Oh pretentious prawn from with a Napoleonic complex/You will not break us. [BLEEP!]

F This rant is for all the CHEAP MONTREAL TIPPERS out there. I'm a waitress and the summer season is coming. If you guys want to ensure quality service, get out your pocketbooks. After the government takes out our eight per cent and we tip out two per cent to the busboy and two per cent to the bartender, out of that 15 per cent, basically, we're getting three per cent. So to all you people who have never waitressed or bartended out there and who want good service - make sure you pay for it and you will get it. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the cockroaches who dial *67 before making a phone call. All you private pussies and confidential cocksuckers can blow me! What the hell are you hiding for?! You're just a bunch of hypocrites. Keep crawling in your crevices, you cockroaches. You know who you are. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanna say that bike theft is a crime against humanity and in my personal opinion anyone who steals bikes should be lined up and SHOT. Quite frankly, I had my bike stolen the other day, my roommate got her bike stolen the week before that and our new roommate just got her bike stolen as well. It's supposed to be a happy time. Somebody is going around stealing everything that's good about spring and summer and I think that's bullshit. Whoever the hell you are, fuck right off. [BLEEP!]

M With all this talk about transsexuals, transvestites, bitches and masters, and all these CREEPY messed-up sexual people in Montreal, it's getting harder and harder to find a decent, nice, DOWNHOME KIND OF GIRL for you and your girlfriend when you wanna have fun for the night. And that's kind of sad. There's all these clubs you can go to like Eclipse, l'Orage, or whatever they are, but it's all creepy, messed up people. There's nowhere to go to just meet nice, innocent girls. What the hell? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm having one of those what's-that-all-about? moments. You ever notice that if you keep one eye shut for, like, a minute or two, and then open that eye and shut the other eye, all of sudden you start seeing different colours? Like, a little bit more blue or a little bit more green. Like, what's fuckin' that all about? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum