Dear Sasha: I'm a 40-year-old gay black male and my fetish is to be verbally and physically degraded while performing oral sex on a white male. I like to be spit on, pissed on, slapped and kicked, all while satisfying him orally. I also like to be called a "fucking nigger" during all of this. Am I a self-hating black man because I enjoy being called the N- word by white men during sexual encounters? And is it psychologically healthy for me to pursue this fetish? » Black in Toronto

Dear Black,
I shared your letter with a friend who immediately said, "That's made up. That's from some white guy who gets off thinking about that happening." Then I reminded her how much she likes to be slapped and choked and fucked to pieces all while being called a dirty hole. Are women who act out rape scenes and enjoy being choked, slapped and called fucking sluts in bed self-hating? Well, there are enough of them satisfying this desire and living healthy lives and feeling totally confident even within this context to say no in many cases.

I believe the question is less about self-hate and more about self-awareness. Let me ask you this: if you were walking down the street and were racially bashed, how would you feel? So outside of the context of a consensual sexual exchange which you've orchestrated, how would you react to this kind of treatment? If you are ambivalent or you enjoy it, I'd say perhaps you have some issues around your race you may want to take a closer look at. If you wanted to kick some ignorant butt, then I'd say you are simply doing what so many people enjoy doing in bed: being degraded to the point of no return, moving outside of your reality to that of an indecent taboo - a nigger sucking the master's cock. If anyone has the right to explore this fantasy, it's you, a black person. Most women or gay men who enjoy being called sluts or faggots in bed do not encourage or enjoy this sort of treatment in their day to day lives, but sexual denigration is a powerful thing. Being someone's something is a wicked way to get completely lost in the moment.

If a white man wrote me and said his sexual fantasy was to verbally and physically degrade a black man, I would be very conflicted - in the same way that I get all prickly about white men looking for "exotic" encounters with women of other races and men who are really into debasing women sexually (yes, all this even within a consenting context). Like so many women, I am uneasy with those who, as a group, have had and abused so much power wanting more. But speaking personally as a dedicated top who's gone to some dark and secret places with willing people, if there's one location to explore taboos that feels safe, it's in the bedroom. At the same time, how or if it relates to one's larger cultural privilege or lack thereof is still a mystery to me.

Dear Sasha: I was just thinking about one of the pitfalls of my own profession, and I was wondering if it bugs you when people try to solicit free sex advice from you. It drives me batty. » The Power of Being an Attorney

Dear Power,
I'm often asked if it bothers me when people ask for help outside of the context of my column, but I actually think it pisses me off more that I can't give it whenever it suits me, commando-style. So thanks for asking because that reminds me: I was sitting beside two women in a café the other day and the only thing they could talk about in relation to men was if they were the settling-down type. I felt like turning to them and saying, "Excuse me ladies but I'm sex columnist Sasha and if you keep running at men with a veil over your head you're never going to see all their subtleties. You'll end up marrying a guy who would marry a girl who would marry anyone just to get married. That is majorly fucked up.

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