F Hi everybody. My name's Stephanie and I'm organizing a benefit concert for breast CANCER. It's happening June 12. It's at Bourbon Street West and it'll be around 8 o'clock and there's going to be two bands featuring Deborah Harry - no, sorry, Deborah Cher - and River City Junction. The tickets are probably around $10 and I'll be selling the pink bracelets for breast cancer for $3 each. So please, please, please come because it'll be good and it's for a good cause. [BLEEP!]

F I just came back from the Bright Eyes show and I still wanna fucking cry because it was so good and I'm sorry for anybody around me who had to endure my HYSTERICS at the end but I'm really jealous of those stupid kids from Sudbury who got the green pepper. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, yes, I'm looking for some help - Puppa Sacha! DJ Selecta Puppa Sacha! I used to have a CD that you created and there was a song from Gabriel called "Me Sick." I can't find the track, I need the track. Please someone help me. Puppa Sacha made a mixed tape and "Me Sick" from Gabriel was upon this track, seen? I need to get this track so if someone can tell me where I can get it, much blessings. Respect. Respect. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling for the dude that needed closure for the Mars Volta show he went to. Well, what Cedric said at the end was - and I'm quoting from the Comatorium Web site - "Thank you and now you should all go home and wash those hard to reach places because I'm pretty sure they're dirty now." Also, I really agree that Jill Scott was the best show of the year. But I gotta say I was kind of weirded out by all of the simulated masturbation on her mic stand. In my opinion, chicks over 200 pounds shouldn't be allowed to do that in public. Ciao, man. [BLEEP!]

M To this guy who found it hilarious that LSD was number 10 on the Mirror's Best of Montreal drugs list. See, I think it was a little sad that it was only number 10 and not higher than that. A drug that costs only $5 - maybe $10 nowadays - gets you high for pretty much the ENTIRE NIGHT and it makes very simple things, like the cracks on the wall, seem like psychological revelations of character and humanity. These things sound to me like all the makings of a damn good time! Instead, you got these kids who are doing E or speed and, Christ, drugs their mothers used to take to make themselves feel better when they were working too hard. And they call that a good time. These people are willing to pay up to $40 just to go to a club that's filled with warnings about how they're gonna die if they do too much of it. I mean, acid's been around for years - since the 1920s. You know it's not gonna fuck you up for the rest of your life. Ecstasy? Who knows? [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling out to all you ladies out there. I want you to get into your underwear drawers and dig out all those blood-stained, poo-stained UNDIES. I'm collecting them for Grand Prix weekend. I want you to drop them off at the alleyway behind the Second Cup on St-Laurent street. In a plastic bag, please. [BLEEP!]

F This may not be the appropriate forum for this but I don't know who else to call. I just wanted to say thank you to the girl that I saw sticking her feet in the FRESH CONCRETE on Sherbrooke Street on Thursday night. Beautiful. Every block she would stop and just bear down on her left foot and leave her IMPRINT in the concrete and in my heart. Thanks, girl. [BLEEP!]

F Well, tonight was the season finale of The L Word and there's no place for Montreal lesbians to hang out that is not a bar. So I was thinking that maybe we should take over a lovely café. There's one at the corner of Queen Mary and Côte-des-Neiges and let's say all the cute lesbians from Montreal meet there on Wednesday nights after 7 p.m. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hey, you're not gonna publish this because you're gonna think it's from some REACTIONARY, but this is for the girl who likes the TD bank ad showing a cute lesbian couple. That's cool, that's fine by me. But then she ruined her rant by saying it would be nice if welfare started doing that, too. Doing what? Recognizing lesbian couples by giving them both a fucking cheque? That's my money. Go get a fucking job! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm totally with that guy. Ban all the stupid pit bulls, all the fucking dogs. And while we're at it, why don't we ban all those stupid immigrants who sell drugs? And what about those stupid black gang-bangers? Send them back to Africa! Those bankers, fuck, send them back to Sweden and Germany - aren't they all white Nazis? And, hey, let's send the English back to fucking England for what they did to the Indians. Oh my God, send everyone back to wherever they fucking came from. Ban everyone, you stupid moron! Oh yeah, I'm being sarcastic and ignorant. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum