M Yeah, I'm calling to say that I think that all the bands from the Un-Pop Festival and the Pop Festival should have a GANG WAR on Ste-Catherine and St-Laurent. Brawl each other to find out who the real winners are. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is Mr. Nemo just cracking a beer and calling in response to the back and forth ranting about the merits of the Fondue DJs at the Green Room, which, frankly I find kind of dumb. Listen, a DJ's job is to maintain and build a vibe, to hopefully EDUCATE a bit, but ultimately just to please the crowd - which apparently the Fondue DJs seem to be doing just fine. But you're never going to please everyone, which is how this whole stupid argument started in the first place. Arguing over the pros and cons of techno versus rock DJing is a waste of time. Mixing records isn't making music, and any DJ who thinks mash-ups or whatever is making music is simply kidding themselves. You're not making music unless you're recording your own original compositions or you're using you're turntables and needles as instruments like a cello and a bow. It's that simple. End of discussion. [BLEEP!]

F Once again I'm reading half a page from a DJ trying to justify his existence. My mind is not blown. Argghhhhhh! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so first of all, the singer of the Tea Party just barged in on me while I was peeing at my work. And then, when I sort of recognized him and told him that I did, he told me there was only one guy who looked like him and he was dead. And then the singer of the Tea Party told me he was better than Jim Morrison, because he could play guitar better! What the fuck?! [BLEEP]

M Wassup, I just saw the Mars Volta last night. Phe-fuckin'-nomenal show! Sure, Jill Scott was the best show of the year, but Mars Volta is a close second. But I need CLOSURE. Cedric said something before he left the stage and I couldn't figure it out. So if anyone knows, please call the Rant Line™ and relay his message! [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling to complain about the small venue for the Death From Above show. It's the same venue they've been playing at for the past three years - what's the point of that? So many people tried to get in and got turned away at the door. I managed to sneak in, but still, man, they need to put them in a better venue. By the way, it was amazing! [BLEEP!]

M I got to say something. I just saw a pit bull nearly kill a little black dog on Duluth and Laval just now and I can't fuckin' believe we don't have laws in this city to at least MUZZLE dangerous dogs like this. I mean, I love dogs, pit bulls too, and I'm sure that the animal that was attacking the other animal was normally a nice, gentle animal. I'm sure the owners will say he's a sweetheart. But the fact is that that dog was not going to let go until the other dog was DEAD. And there was some guy from France screaming how shameful it is that we don't ban these dogs because imagine if that had been a child. And it's true! Imagine if that dog had been a child! What are we going to do, chop its head off? What could we have done? Finally somebody beat the shit out of its BALLS and it let go. But I just can't believe that we don't have legislation in place to make sure those dogs don't exist in the city or that the owners are strictly punished for not muzzling them when they go out in public. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I find it HILARIOUS that LSD was voted number 10 in the Best of Montreal list of best drugs in Montreal. The only people you ever see doing acid these days are really cheap, cheap bastards who drop a couple of hits and head to the bar to drink water all night and wax poetic about the cracks on the wall. Whereas it was the drug of choice not so long ago. Hell, if a handful of people had gone for Xanax, it wouldn't even have made the list. So yeah, all you LSD-popping, cheapo bastard, hippie pontificator, rant-a-mile-a-minute kaleidoscope cool cats... what is it? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm calling about the Best Busker category in the Mirror Best of Montreal, number seven, the Trumpet Guy Who Wears a Fedora and a Trenchcoat. His name was Joe and he died this year in February. So I just wanted to say that. We miss you, Joe. [BLEEP!]

F If there is a mechanical bull somewhere in Montreal, I am there in my low-rise jeans with a bottle of Jim Beam. [BLEEP!]

M I never looked at vehicles as sexual beings but I just saw a truck hump another truck. I think in trucker lingo it's called PIGGYBACKING. It's very sexual though, metal fucking metal, connecting through their axles and their transmissions, very sexual. Makes me horny. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to that girl who said the banks are awesome. Banks are a bunch of mooches. They'd show a man FUCKING A PIG if they thought it would bring them money. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum