F Yeah, hello everyone. I'm starting to wonder about this five bucks for five bands kind of thing. It seems like it's some sort of conspiracy to bring down bands to dollar store items. Most of the time, unless they get sponsorship, everyone just winds up in the HOLE. I don't think it's really helping out the scene at all. Back in my day, 20 years ago, I would go see one band for five bucks and I would just be so happy to know that I could go to a punk show and hang out - five bucks for me was not that expensive even back then. And there was only one band playing but I would still have a good time. Now it's BAND-O-RAMA and nobody seems to care anymore. What happened? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm calling about Mighty Kat's crazy set at Stereo that was, like, future glitch dub house garage beat for four or five hours straight. Couldn't stop dancing, didn't even need PILLS, felt really good to have a break from the progressive sound. It just brought me back to 1994, the warehouse parties with Tony Desypris and New Jersey smack beats - it feels really good to have the sound change in the big clubs. Then there was the second DJ, who was good, but after a while flooded the room with bass and too much resonance and I had to get the hell out of there. But crazy party, man. [BLEEP!]

M This is Andrew Rose, one of the Fondue DJs from the Green Room and I'd like to respond to the guy who keeps complaining. First off, you've obviously never been there when Gillileo was spinning. She's an amazing techno DJ and I think you owe her an apology. Do a little research next time you wanna get on your HIGH HORSE and throw around a blanket insult, okay? Have you even seen me play? Second of all, I can't believe you're suggesting that all rock today is recorded to a click track specifically with DJs in mind. I'm not gonna try and beat match Stephen Malkamus and Wolf Parade, okay? Song selection is always my priority, not maintaining the BPM. Look around, buddy, there are plenty of other kick-ass nights that do that. Not everyone wants to go out and dance to the same rehashed click track remix garbage. You don't have to call me a DJ if you don't want to. When I meet good technical DJs, I usually say to them, "Oh, you're a real DJ," out of respect for what they bring to their craft and in contrast to what I do. Only don't tell me that what I do isn't expressive. Don't tell me I shouldn't have a night because my priorities don't line up with yours. Because the fact of the matter is that we have amazing parties with amazing music and amazing people. And you know what? Don't fucking come if you don't like it. There are plenty of other people who do. [BLEEP!]

M John from the John School Dropouts here calling to leave a message for Nate the master of the Un-Pop fest. So, Nate, you're getting some good publicity on your Un-Pop fest. Sounds like it's getting popular. Hmmm, you know, the best Un-Pop fest you could have would be sitting in your BASEMENT playing alone. That's unpopular. So have a great day, Nate. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a rant about the SNFU concert and the dickhead who fucking nailed me in the head with some BRASS KNUCKLES during "Cannibal Café." You know who the fuck you are, you dumb fuck! Now I've got BLOOD all over me. I also had to take a taxi because, hey, guess what? I had to get home as soon as possible to make sure there were no infections or anything. So, anyways, if I ever see you with those brass knuckles, I'll stick them up your fucking ass. Anyhow, the SNFU concert rocked. Chi Pig, as usual, rocked. Everything about it rocked. And I will say one thing: Bombs Over Providence rocked big time and I will tell you that the other band sucked royally. [BLEEP!]

F This is big news - I'm pretty sure the TD bank is pro gay rights and I think it's awesome. I'm not crazy and I just saw an ad on TV with a lesbian couple in it. And I think it's really CUTE and really cool that a bank is going to acknowledge everybody as having rights. It would be nice if welfare started doing that too. [BLEEP!]

M/F Hi. This message is for the hot and horny transvestite. There are two major places where transvestites and transsexuals hang out in Montreal. They are Cabaret Mado at 1115 Ste-Catherine East and Cabaret Cleo at 1230 St-Laurent on the second floor. If you want to know more about these places and other little known places that accept SPECIAL GIRLS like us, email me at redheadshemale@yahoo.ca. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I'm just wondering if there is a MECHANICAL BULL anywhere in Montreal. I think I'd be pretty good at it but I'm pretty sure that the girl I'm with would be much, much better than me. And I'd like to see that. So please, let me know. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum