Dear Sasha: I recently met a man who I’m falling for. There’s one hitch: up until this point I believed I was a lesbian. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship and we live together, which sometimes poses difficulty with the “open” part. She knows I’ve met someone I’m interested in and she knows this someone is a man. This bothers her, but he and I are still sleeping together. I really connect with this guy on an emotional level, and this has totally changed my perception towards men. I really love kissing him but he just can’t do anything else for me, the way my girlfriend or other women can. He doesn’t know this. He also doesn’t know that I have faked orgasms with him, which I have never had to do with my girlfriend or any other woman. But again, I really like him. He knows I am “with” a woman. l don’t know whether I should pursue this man or not. I know it’s not fair to him to “use” him for his emotional capacities, but I really love talking to him. On the other hand, the sex sucks. Maybe I’m just not used to having sex with men. So where do I go from here? » Penis or Pussy?

Dear P or P,
First off, let’s get one thing clear: you are not in an open relationship. Yes, you’re sleeping with two people, but judging by your language, you’ve been deceptive to your primary partner about the impact and parameters of the other. You’re carrying this deception over to the second relationship where you are faking orgasms and bartering crappy sex for emotional maintenance. Jesus H. Christ, add a couple of kids and a mortgage and you’d have yourself a Cassavetes film.

If one of the reasons you’re having trouble with all of this is because you believed you were a lesbian and that description now feels incomplete, then just let it go. People lose years squeezing into ill-fitting labels. Life is elaborate, changes abound, sometimes the best you can do is to know when to keep your mind open and your legs closed and vise versa.

On a practical tip, get the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, where you’ll find better techniques for manoeuvring an open relationship. Learn to speak to the people you’re intimate with about the challenges you’re facing in a way that gives them options and makes them understand that you are simply trying to explore your sexuality in the most conscientious and fitting way. I admit, I would rather not say to someone, “I’ve been faking orgasms with you and I hate having sex with you but I love kissing you and talking to you,” but there is a way of conveying this without completely losing your dignity and hurting someone’s feelings. Honesty and self-reflection are two beautiful, admirable qualities. Tell them that you were just anxious to be as open as possible and maybe you bit off more than you could chew. Ask them how they would feel about just being a make-out-and-talk friend while you’re figuring out your shit. Don’t lie to your girlfriend. That’s an open relationship. It’s not about accumulating lovers at any expense.

I’M OKAY, I’M OKAY

Boy did I ever snooze on this trend reader Alison pointed out. Perhaps I just kept it off my radar because the word is so lamentably cutesy, but for writer Billy, who was looking for a term to describe his status, here it is, along with a book, a Web site (www.quirkyalone.net), and quirkyalone camp. Why do Americans have to turn every activity into Promise Keepers? (On that note, if you want to feel like someone’s shoving a finger in your belly button really hard, go to www.cuddleparty.com.)

I am zealously opposed to the term quirkyalone but I am all for Sasha Cagen’s thoughtful, inspiring little book on the topic. And speaking of cutesy, it feels impossible to resist calling it the I’m Okay, I’m Okay of modern times. Shame and hypocrisy duly observed.

Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
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