M I work in a FUN RECORD STORE and people always ask me, “What is the future of rock? Music today sucks.” And I have to tell them: look, they could stop putting out records today and it WOULDN’T MATTER. There’s been so much great music recorded in the last 75 years that I won’t have enough of my own lifetime to listen to it all. So quit your whining, buy yourself a turntable and enjoy. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s up, Montreal? The prices of concert tickets are rising at ridiculous speeds! $78 for Ludacris!? $58 for Common!? What the hell is going on?! [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is the master of Un-Pop Festival again. I’m just calling because I’ve been getting flak from a few people because of my friendly, good-natured rant towards the Pop Montreal festival and how I said that I don’t hate them. Let me just clarify my position here: Pop infuriates me with the whole elitist thing but, at the same time, they do put on a hell of a festival. No, I don’t wanna be all divisive and cause some GAY MUSIC WAR because that’s not what it’s all about. But those of us who are unpopular must rock as well. It’s all about balance. Rock is for the people. So, no, I don’t hate Pop but, yes, I will kick their ass. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’m listening to Death From Above 1979 and they have a track called “Black History Month.” Now the words have nothing to do with “Black History Month” so I’m not sure what it’s all about. I’m not saying it’s an insult or anything, but it’s kind of WEIRD and there’s something to be said about it. All right. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

M This is the guy who originally called dissing the Green Room DJs. Look, having good taste in music isn’t an expression of feelings or an art form. Mixing records is an art form, and I’ve seen those guys TRAINWRECK mixing hip hop tracks together. And don’t tell me that I don’t know about where DJing comes from, man: DJ-ing comes from Jamaica. It started when guys put two turntables next to each other with a magic box in between them called a mixer. You know what that box is for? It’s for mixing records, you idiots! Listen, all I’m saying is that it used to be that the DJ would go buy a set of decks and some vinyl and go home and PRACTICE before they got a night. Not just buy a CD fucking player and go get a night because it’s a fucking fashion show and they want to be cool. There are tons of DJs out there who love music and love mixing and practice and become wicked DJs and then get a night. And don’t tell me that you can’t mix rock ’n’ roll, because there’s lots of nights that do it. Go to L’Eighties Night Jupiter Room and watch Orion mix ’80s rock all night. Or go to one of the Mash-up Mondays at Blizzarts. Those guys mix rock all the time. Rock is recorded to a click track these days specifically so that DJs can mix that shit. Anyways, that’s just my opinion, man. You don’t have to like it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Rant Line™. I’m sitting at Korova on St-Laurent. I’m with a friend here and I can’t decide if I’m fucked up on MUSHROOMS or not. I wanna call my dealer and tell him he’s a jerk for selling me a shitty batch of mushrooms, but actually, I’m not sure if I’m fucked up or not [pauses, starts to giggle]. So I want to reread this in the Rant Line™ to see if I am. If it seems fucked up when I read it, then I guess I was. And I won’t kill my pusher [giggles, chortles]. If I read it and it sounds normal then my pusher is dead. Thanks, Rant Line™. Help me out, please! Help a brother out! [BLEEP!]

M Listen all you bitches/bastards, transsexuals and transvestites, why don’t you quit calling the Rant Line™ trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend? You’re giving us a frickin’ bad name in this city, okay? Just get out and fend for yourselves, you stupid bitches/bastards. [BLEEP!]

M/F Hi, Rant Line™, this is Barbara. I’m just calling in response to that sir who apparently likes to squash his penis with a SMALL HAMMER. I actually prefer to use something else instead. I don’t know if you remember those Meccano sets? They were hot in the ’80s—it’s a little metal set with bolts and nuts and stuff. And it came with little, little MALLETS. Now what’s really fun about those is that you can hit really hard but it won’t do any serious damage. If this guy is really using a little fucking hammer, he is going to do some serious damage to his penis! I’m sure on eBay you can pick some of those Meccano mallets up. They’re little tiny mallets and they do wonders for your libido. And, another thing: you know that lead singer from [names Ontario “punk” band]? I sucked his cock last time he came into town, and you think he screams during his songs? You should’ve heard him that night! Not to mention, I was TAPED so fucking well, he never even knew I was a guy. To all the transsexuals out there in Montreal: top that, you little bitches. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum