by GABRIEL MORENCY

As far as North American cities go, Montreal has a lot of things to offer that others don't. Five-star restaurants, world-renowned festivals and of course, beautiful people as far as the eye can see.

Unfortunately, world-class athletes are a little harder to come by. Between the National Hockey League's on-going lockout and the Expos' departure to Crack City U.S.A., sports fans in the city have been about as busy as the Bell Centre's zamboni driver. Aside from Jo Alcine and Otis Grant's monthly beat-downs of fighters who wouldn't survive a week on The Contender, the only sports in town are the World Championships of Debauchery, Greed and Deception, also known as the Gomery Commission. And while it would be easy to point our fingers at unconscionable politicians for living in a lap of luxury off our tax-paying dollars, they are only trying to fill the void left behind by spoiled millionaire athletes who no doubt can relate to the exorbitant costs of fine wines and fast women.

Hopefully, when Johnny is done slapping our country's political elite on the wrists for their frivolous spending habits, he'll take a look at the World Aquatic Championships and ask Mayor Tremblay why he and the meet's organizers missed FINA's original deadline, and then, like the F-1 situation, flew to Europe to give a bunch of Speedo-wearing suits a blank cheque for the rights to a championship that no one besides Crocodile freaking Dundee cares about. Judging by our mayor's affinity for flying off to Europe with a blank chequebook in his hand, it's too bad Major League Baseball's head offices are in New York instead of Nice, or the Expos might still be here. When's the next election?

All hockey all the time!

The World Hockey Championships begin next weekend in Austria and while it is not the Summit Series all over again, as TSN would have you believe, it will be the best hockey played since last fall's World Cup. Normally about as popular as the World Aquatic Championships, this year's tournament has been talked about and broken down more times than Mariah Carey. It's too bad that, in a shocking development, Canada's top players aren't as excited to play as fans are to watch them play, with players like Jarome Iginla, Martin St-Louis, Mario Lemieux and Jose Theodore all passing on Team Canada's invitation. In a strange twist of irony, players who played the past year overseas say they are too worn down to participate, while players who didn't play claim they are nowhere near game shape. Coming from a group that turned down an average salary of $1.3-million a season to play NHL hockey, it actually makes sense. Kind of.

One player who is not too tired and is in game shape is Canadiens defenceman Sheldon Souray, who joins the likes of Ed Jovanovski, Scott Hannan and Wade Redden in giving Canada the best group of blue-liners in the tourney. They'll be needed. Russia is as stacked up front as Pamela Anderson. Led by young guns like Ovechkin, Kovalchuk and Datsyuk, the Russians will be able to score on the ice as much as the absent Sergei Fedorov (Anna Kournikova, Tara Reid) does off it!

Unfortunately, Russia, much like Slovakia, has goaltending issues that will prevent them from winning anything better than silver. The Czech Republic is strong between the pipes but light up front, while Finland and Sweden have more holes than the Titanic in their lineup.

Team U.S.A. is a young team that, like Canada, will look to be the aggressor in any game they play (U.S.A., the aggressor, who would have imagined?). When it is all said and done, Canada's depth will be too much for anyone it suits up against. Their toughest opponent will be the international zebras who aren't used to calling games as physical as Canada plays. Expect to hear TSN's Pierre McGuire screaming "That's not a penalty!!!!" on more than one occasion in the coming weeks. Also expect to hear Gord Miller exclaim, "For the third consecutive year, Canada are world champions!!"

Prediction: 1. Canada 2. Russia 3. Slovakia

Sports Rage with Gabriel Morency is vented weeknights 11 p.m. to 5 a.m. on TEAM 990 AM. Comments? sportsrage@team990.com