M And you shall know us by the trail of people who bought our CD and remain sorrowfully unimpressed. [BLEEP!]

M Since when did bouncers become Jesus Christ incarnate? I see a lot of bouncers when I go into clubs, and they're all HOPPED UP on the various drugs they're taking. It's ridiculous that they think they're more important than other people! For example, there's no line for a club and they'll make you wait 20 minutes outside in the fucking cold. What is that about? Because they want you to slip them a 20? Somebody tell these bouncers to bounce out of the fucking club entrance so I can go in. Signed, Nukka. [BLEEP!]

M I'd like to say that I think the English language stations in Montreal that play music on an ongoing basis are in a kind of conspiracy with the provincial government. They play such terrible music that you're forced to go to a French station. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but it reminds me of the time when the VIET CONG were brainwashing people. They called it re-education. If you go anywhere in the world, the radio stations are better than here in Montreal. For example, the English language radio, they talk about their GENITALS all the time. Just tune in to CHOM in the morning, the two guys and the girl, all they do is talk about their genitals, every day. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Boy, am I happy to hear somebody else bitching about Green Room on Fridays. Is it impossible for these DJs to mix a single record? What's the point of having a DJ if you're not mixing? You're an iPod! Jesus, I'm sick of it. Get some DJs who can mix. Are these guys getting paid? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, Rant Line™. What is up with all these people with their RACIST crap about WHITE BOY rock bands. If you don't like a band, fine. If you don't like their music, fine. Just don't blame it on the colour of their skin because that is so uncool. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. This is not even a rant. This isn't even a dis, this is a curse! This goes out to all those fuckers on St-Laurent who called me a CHINK tonight. Yeah, Montreal is getting real lame. And St-Laurent is, like, pathetic. [BLEEP!]

F What happened to the CANDY RAVERS? I'll tell you what happened to the candy ravers. They grew up and moved on. They're no longer contaminating their bodies with psychedelic drugs and blowing out their EARDRUMS. There's more to life than that. They have a sense of purpose instead of staying up for 24 hours and ruining their body and their system. They're gone. That's what happened to the candy ravers. [BLEEP!]

M To all you people who did a lot of blow, who were BLOWHEADS - you people need to get your nervous systems repaired. I've noticed that you blowheads, you have a problem laughing naturally, okay? There's something wrong with that. That feeling of joy - even though you feel it, it's not the same anymore. You did too much blow, you overloaded your electrical nervous system. But there's a way to repair it, okay? There's martial arts, meditation, tai chi, yoga - maybe even shiatsu would do it. Start looking. Seek and you shall find. [BLEEP!]

M This is a big old complaint against some dorks who were in Westmount Park. I had a MEMORIAL TREE planted for my grandparents two years ago. It had a little plaque on a chain with their names and the years of their births and deaths. And for some reason some ignorant little losers decided they should bend the plaque and remove it. And it didn't just happen to me, it happened to four other families who also had memorial trees planted. This is according to Westmount public works. Now, I wonder, are you little jerks the kind of people who would topple over headstones too? Why don't you move up to that, if you have any guts? [BLEEP!]

M I was wondering, when is the next HIPPIE REVOLUTION gonna happen, because we're all here waiting. So when it happens, you guys should tell us, all right? [BLEEP!]

M I was just watching Indiana Jones and I wonder if anyone else gets a boner when they lower that dude into the LAVA? I don't know. I think I might be weird or something. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is about the Conservative party. We closed the restaurant where I work for those bastards and we gave them free food and everything and I've never met a bigger bunch of cheap asses in my life! Tipping the servers a quarter, or a dime. In one case eight people were sitting at the table, the bill came to $67.80, they gave the waiter $70 and told him to keep the change. At one point a guy gave the server 25 cents and says, "Because you're beautiful." Bunch of cheap asses, they come to Quebec and they think they're gonna get votes from here? Stay where you are, you CHEAP RATS! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum