by JOHNSON CUMMINS

I recently talked to a person who knows a friend of a friend (okay, I'm gullible) who is currently receiving treatment for a phobia of Hockey Night in Canada's Ron MacLean. It seems that if he hears MacLean's voice or sees his image, he'll go into a violent tizzy. After Googling "celebrity-generated phobias" a bit to see if this was actually a reported case, I found this item from the 1991 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine. It seems that a 45-year-old woman suffered from "seizures, mental confusion, headaches and an upset stomach" triggered by the "hooray for everything'' voice of Entertainment Tonight bubblehead Mary Hart. Don't laugh too hard, these cases are not as isolated as you may think. Subject yourself to even a few moments of eTalk Daily, Fefe Dobson, The Royal Canadian Air Farce, YTV's Radioactive, Carrot Top, Courtney Love or CHOM's morning jocks Terry Dimonte and Ted Bird and see if you don't get downright twitchy and nauseous.

Old-school metal warriors are going to have some hard decisions to make on Saturday night when Anvil and Six Mile Scream bang the head that doesn't bang at Foufounes, while Metallian and Mad Parish get caught in a mosh at the Barfly the same night. How good are Anvil? Well, way back when Rick Astley was warbling on about never wanting to break our hearts, Anvil was penning come-hither ballads like "Knee High in the Hair Pie" and tender missives that completely trashed double entendres altogether, like the straight-to-the-point "Show Me Your Tits.'' They just don't write 'em like that anymore, by gummy. Either gig will have the diehard rivethead walking away with whiplash.

For those who like their rawk loud, Tuesday night has C'mon and Iron Giant at L'Hémisphère Gauche. Everybody knows that C'mon features Canadian rock god and producer extraordinaire Ian Blurton slingin' the six-string and Nashville Pussy's Katie Lynn Campbell providing the low-end throb, but how come no one ever mentions poor old drummer Randy Curnew? This odd man out smacks the traps harder than Buddy Rich on child-support day, and if you have the gumption to challenge him to a drinking contest, this Newfie is guaranteed to do a gumboot on your back before you can say Extra Old Stock. All praise unto you, Mr. Curnew! Moncton's Iron Giant provide the perfect heaviosity tag-team partner with their solid COC/Orange Goblin wallop, and as for their drinking prowess... I mentioned they were from Moncton, right? As an extra incentive, bassist PJ Dunphy promises to dance his forbidden dance (i.e. dropping trou') if requested. Watch in awe and amazement as his behemoth frame dwarfs the size of his pecker so it appears to take on the proportions of a budgie's tongue. Ee-yowsa! As a little treat for the readers of this column, I'll let you in on another Iron Giant surprise. Don't forget to ask Mr. Dunphy to show you his "teabag" trick. Please note: I will not be held responsible for any rashes or other skin ailments that may occur. Have fun out there!

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS ROLLERBLADE! jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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