M This is Deep Throat. As a rock 'n' roll insider I cannot reveal my identity, but listen carefully because the information I have is going to blow the lid off the entire Montreal music scene. The fact is that nobody in the Montreal music scene is actually from Montreal! Check their IDs. You'll soon realize that every member of every Montreal band is either from B.C., Ontario, or some place even more WHITE BREAD. This includes recent supergroups featured in authoritative publications and it goes right to the top. It's nothing less than a well-organized conspiracy hatched by jealous squares who covet Montreal's low cost of living, slacker-friendly environment and voluptuous lifestyle. The question is: does the Mirror have the integrity to expose these impostors for who they are - a bunch of opportunistic ex-patriot suburbanites from anglo-Canada. Or have they gotten to you too? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm calling because I saw Amon Tobin at the Corona Theatre and I have to say my NIPPLES were hard the whole time. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is Nate from the Ghettonuns calling. I'm calling because I went on the Pop Montreal Web site to submit a showcase and saw that they were asking me for a letter explaining why I want to be in their festival. I don't know why that infuriated me so much but it really does. It's like applying for a job where they ask, "Why do you want to work at Subway?" Dude, these for-profit festivals, this elitist Pop fest, it's killing me. So on behalf of all the über-shit bands that exist, I'm going to start the UN-POP FESTIVAL. That's right, Unpopular Montreal: it's gonna be three days, it's gonna be in the summer, we're gonna get as many bands together as we want and it's going to be free! And I don't care if I take the FINANCIAL HIT because it's about time somebody balanced this shit out. Anybody that wants to participate get back to me at ampkiller@gmail.com. We're gonna fuckin' take them on, baby! [BLEEP!]

M What happened to the candy ravers? And the stuffed animals and the Yogi sitting in the corner meditating all night? What happened to the peace and love and everybody there being your best friend? What happened to music that wasn't going to blow your eardrums out so you have a permanent case of TINNITUS? What happened to all those things, because I went to Bal en Blanc and none of those things were there. And that's supposed to be a rave, isn't it? [BLEEP!]

M I am sick and tired of all these clone little WHITE BOY ROCK BANDS that have nothing better to sing about than sex, drugs and alcohol and go around talking like they're the first ones to have done it. It's the same shit that's been happening for the past 30 or 40 years. I like to think that we've grown up as a civilization, but, of course, the Rant Line™ probably won't print this rant because it is the same trash that pushes papers. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I don't want to sound like an ass or anything, but I'm watching the news and it seems like the coverage of the Pope's death is more important than the death of the planet. It seems like the world has got to get its priorities straight. The Pope is an important person and he affects a lot of people, but no man's death is anywhere near the death of two-thirds of the world's ecosystem, which is happening as we speak. So why don't we start saving the environment instead of worrying about the death of one guy? [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the individual who called all those ranting against the student protesters capitalist conformist consumers. Could you have used any more buzz words? God, it's like you didn't even think about the issue. You just threw out the words that you knew would get a reaction. It's like me calling you an IRRATIONAL LEFT-LEANING SOCIALIST HIPPIE. The fact is people need to be accountable for their education. In an ideal world it would be a right, right now it's a privilege. It's not like the government cut the budget entirely, they just transferred the money from bursaries to loans. The fact is, take that loan, study your ass off, then get a GOOD JOB and pay it back so other students can benefit from it too. This sense of entitlement is beyond me. I don't even understand how you guys have survived this far. And by the way, whoever left the message for this Rant Line™ has an incredibly sexy voice. [BLEEP!]

M There are too many UNDERAGE GIRLS in Montreal clubs, I find. I go downtown, I wanna have a drink, I wanna meet a nice girl, I start talking to her and the next thing I know I realize that she's underage. I go all over Prince Arthur and St-Laurent and I'm telling you, it's like a friggin' elementary school. Now either somebody is going to change this thing and stop accepting the fake IDs or a lot of underage girls are going to continue getting fucked by 40-year-old men. To me that's disgusting. Keep your kids at home, please. I like a NICE YOUNG GIRL, but 18 and over please. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum