by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

So Canada's prosecuting a decorated war veteran and native leader for mouthing off with racist talk.

In our Canadian surreality, being an uneducated lout spouting gibberish is considered a serious crime.

Somewhere along the way, the government made it their ludicrous business to randomly prosecute assholes who come to their attention.

In this case, first the feds applaud the guy with the Order of Canada as a professional Indian and then they punish him for viewing the world as a series of competing races. They bless his Prism of Race and then punish him for looking through it.

In spite of our $501-billion debt, we have no shortage of time and money to keep pouring out new laws and money to crack down on the supposed problem of nitwits saying upsetting things. They even tossed that crazy Ernst Zundel guy in jail without trial, which painfully forces me to reclassify him from irrelevant moron into a legitimate martyr.

This ongoing effort to further limit the parameters of free speech is as reprehensible as the stupid remarks these people make.

Stupidity is its own punishment. Either ignore them or, as the great Ken Singleton (my local Nelson Mandela, except his prison was right field at Jarry Park) once said, "School 'em, don't scold 'em."

Canada has become as twisted as a German porn set, although admittedly a little better-smelling. We've got the government ordering us to zip up our mental straitjackets in public. Thankfully, Canadians are still free to have crazy dreams at night (in mine, since you asked, I'm getting lost on the metro or in secret hallways of the Montreal Amateur Athletic Association).

Outrageous, provocative, annoying and upsetting points of view are an unfortunate but organic part of the spectrum. They're a part of the natural biodiversity of ideas. Jailing those who fail to see the world in the same old rational ways is like blasting DDT on all the world's ugly flowers. We risk them becoming immune and getting stronger.

This clampdown on crazy-talk confirms my worst suspicions not only about Canada, which has been a namby-pamby country since Bobby Clarke retired, but of white culture in general.

We've lost our mojo to neurosis.

I want out. I'm symbolically ripping up my passport to the White Race. Where's the Isaac Hayes Clinic? I need The Operation.

Even whiteys are hatin' what we've become. Pop music charts are full of ghetto blacks or wannabes. Sly, Clint and Arnold have been replaced by Ice Cube, Will and Denzel. Us repressed Docker-wearing whiteys mouth civilized platitudes about recipes at dinner parties while we supplicate for more wine.

As a result, Canada's only major non-conformist celeb, Don Cherry, is considered a national treasure in spite of his terrible campaigns to glorify fisticuffs and promote the much-despised Leafs.

What's worse, our smug white agenda is a sham. Forget the cheap talk, follow the money trail. Walk into any office and you'll see right away how whitey has manipulated Canada's notions of diversity. Instead of hiring and promoting blacks, whitey has increased his family income by getting wife and daughter on the payroll while darkies are out in the cabs and dépanneurs. Progressive? Nope. Just another nepotistic plot to perpetuate white wealth.

Conventional Canadian white wisdom even threatens its people with extinction. As we know, the fairest part of the white population will be wiped out within a few generations as their recessive DNA of the blond-haired, blue-eyed bunch will be overwhelmed by dominant dark features.

No more Beckhams or Boris Beckers. No more Whitey Ford or Einar Gudjohnsen (sorry, I can't cite females due to their cheating peroxide ways). Blond-blue-eyeds should be saved, but their only hope is in having them breed with each other. Good luck avoiding the police if you want to embrace that campaign. The RCMP's list of banned literature is full of such materials.

I want out of the white race, at least until we get our groove back.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca