Dear Sasha: I'm a virgin. Okay, maybe I'm not exactly a virgin. I've had three sexual experiences - one even being an attempt at intercourse, though I was too inebriated to accomplish anything of significance. And yes, I was thrilled to death by this turn of events. In any case, at 32 years old, I'm worried about what the future has in store for me. I'm not coming to you to find me some action. I'm more concerned with what will occur when I finally get my next shot. I tend to feel that, at my age, there will be a certain expectation about my level of experience from my next partner. And suffice to say I'm not relishing the embarrassment of my relative lack of it.

Some have told me that it's a rare guy who has much of a clue what he's doing, and my total lack of knowledge will most likely be no worse than anything the next hypothetical "she" has run into before. In any case, I suppose I worried I'm developing a fear of intimacy that is hindering my ability to take a relationship from friendship to something more. I would like advice on how to avoid this and gain some confidence.

By the way, if you're wondering how I managed to become a 32-year-old virgin, well I typically manage to run into the friend hellhole. I would say I'm decent looking and at least average in fitness. So I have no answer for this, as my virgin status goes hand in hand with 32 years of single status. Isn't life grand? » Ken

Dear Ken,
It sure is. It may also surprise you how many people are in the same boat as you. Over the years I've gotten tons of mail from folks in their 30s and 40s, who, for no distressing reason, just can't seem to get it together to get it on or have a relationship.

I wouldn't place much stock in people telling you it's rare that guys have a clue what they're doing. Why would you want to approach your sex life with mediocrity in mind anyway? There are plenty of men who have a clue, but the clue they have is to ask questions - not assume - take direction and not get all caught up showing off their ill skills. You obviously know how to ask questions (you wrote me didn't you?). Finding confidence is in your hands, and there's never been a better time to gain it. Be proactive. Get to know the female anatomy. Find sex-positive companies like Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) or Come As You Are (www.comeasyouare.com) and have a look at their books and resources that emphasize female pleasure. Check out some porn or educational videos with a focus on real female orgasm (Nina Hartley's how-to guides are a great start). There is absolutely no reason in this day and age that a person with little physical experience can't walk into a potential lover's bedroom and have some confidence and basic knowledge. Don't just wait for some drunken occasion to come on someone's inner thigh, further chipping away at your self-esteem. You're the champ!

That said, I guarantee that you are going to have some cringeriffic sexual experiences and, in a way, the most comforting part about that is that they don't end - for any of us, no matter how experienced we become. Relating to this on an emotional level, one of my favourite album covers is Gentlemen by the Afghan Whigs, where a little boy is sitting on the edge of a bed looking stressed and defeated, and a little girl is lying behind, with a saddened expression, both of them unable to communicate. We all carry these little dudes inside of us through our lives. We have to help them speak up and feel enabled.

And yes, the friend thing is crippling, so start rehearsing for another role. Get a profile up online (check out Nerve.com personals, for example) that's sexy, forward, funny and easy on the self-deprecation - one where there is clearly no room for just palling around.

Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
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e-mail: pouledeluxe@yahoo.com