by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Cocaine is kind of like getting a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's usually a long time since I've had it, I get excited about doing it, it looks great when I get it but once the laxative-saturated powder hits the bloodstream - blech. I guess I've finally learned my lesson with Peruvian marching powder (and for that matter, Colonel Sanders), given that it's been years since I've hunkered over toilet tanks with some guy who looks like Barry Gibb, flapping his gums about Internet censorship, bad poetry or some other non-issue.

I would hardly tub-thump the anti-drug rhetoric, either. It's no business of mine what you put in your orifices, but you people are boring me to death. Would you rather battle the spray of projectile spittle from a tears-in-the-beer drunk or a sweaty, sniffling, twitchy cokehead? Personally, I'll take the sad-sack drunkard every time.

Coke has always been on the Main, but the bathroom-stall blizzards in my favourite water holes are getting ridiculous. Perhaps we should all band together and do our part to rid the Main of its current coke epidemic, and banish these imaginary-gum-chewers back to where they belong - Crescent Street!

Lots of shows this week to mark the beginning of spring, and what better place to start than the Dans la Rue benefit tonight, Thursday, March 24, at la Sala Rossa with Arrulo, As the Poets Affirm, Statue Park, the Acorn and Montreal's ultimate stage sluts Donkey Heart.

The Barfly proves to be the place to be on Friday night, when the Royal Mountain Band teams up with the saucy Sunday Sinners. Royal Mountain Band take cues from Exile on Main Street and Music From the Big Pink, while the Sunday Sinners simmer with vintage R&B swagger. Also happening Friday is the psychosexydeathabilly (yowsa!) sounds of Flesh at Foufounes. Peep www.fleshwillrockyou.com for some sexy cheesecake photos and righteous psychobilly jams.

Yet another new venue, la Shop (2090 Moreau, #102), is opening its doors on Saturday night and hosting Satellite of June, Each on Set, Cynafiction and emo punkers Growing Down, launching their debut CD Paper Cuts and Diaries. Another relatively new venue is the Gates of Hell (2511 Ste-Catherine E.), which on the same Saturday will be serving up the hyper-speed hardcore of Halifax's the Hold with ... And the Saga Continues and Walk Aside.

Also Saturday, Animal Monster, Domaine Dor, Wildarms and the stripped-down orch-pop of the Diskettes at latest hotspot, Toc Toc. Warning: be prepared to wait an eternity for your beer. The big ticket for Saturday night is the Hot Springs finally launching their new CD Rock Partouze at Petit Campus. Along for the ride are no-wavers We Are Wolves and the T-Rex-dragged-through-country-mud sounds of the Adam Brown. Make sure to get there early as this is guaranteed to sell out.

On Monday, show your love for community radio station CKUT 90.3FM when they hold a benefit at la Sala Rossa with Patrick Watson, Elizabeth Anka Vajagic, Paul Cargnello and 1 Speed Bike. Give 'til it hurts, people - CKUT's eclectic and cutting edge programming is a true gift.

MY WRISTS ARE ON FIRE! jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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