M Yeah, this is Ted from Jerk Appeal. First off, I want to apologize to anyone who came to see us at the Alex Soria memorial and didn't get to hear us play. One of the fellas in our band fucked up and... anyway, erratic behaviour. He's been KICKED OUT and, since then, he's been going around spreading shit. He tried to call the promoter of the Vibrators show and get us pulled off. So if anybody's hearing any rumours about Jerk Appeal, don't believe anything right now, because it ain't true. And we're looking for drummers, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I was in front of Hurley's on Sunday, March 13, and I saw a little bit of police brutality which I don't really appreciate. People were having a fun ADULT SNOWBALL FIGHT and the police came around and starting pushing people and shoving them up against walls for no reason. I'm wondering if anybody in town has pictures of this because cameras were flashing. I think we should do something about this. If anybody has pictures, leave a rant. [BLEEP!]

M On this joyous occasion of Happy St. Pat's, I am shocked and saddened by the absolute fucking cowardice of this generation. Using KNIVES? You can't fight with your fists, you fucking little pieces of shit? Eh? You fucking cowards! You can't fight? You need your friends? You need weapons? That's unbelievable! Unbelievable!! I feel sorry for this generation and the one coming up after it. The good kids, you're all getting labelled, because of you little pieces of fuck, because of you, you motherfucking piece of shit. [BLEEP!]

M Why is JAZZ the greatest music? Because I'm listening to Kurt Cobain done in jazz. [Singing] "What else can I say?/All the world is gay." They did that song in jazz. It's amazing. It's better than anything Kurt Cobain ever did with that song. Jazz makes other people's songs better than they were originally! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, everybody out there in Rant Line™ Land, I just wanted to know if anybody else was going through this. My déjà vu's are getting more and more intense every day. I just wanted to know if anybody else was having an increase in PSYCHIC ACTIVITY. Thanks. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to rant a little about the STUDENT STRIKE last week. It was pretty awesome. I wanna say thanks to all the people who came out and fuck you to all the people who didn't believe it could happen. Everybody who came out, you guys are all beautiful and we're gonna win and the government is going to lose so don't forget that. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, here's my rant. A big fuck you to all those striking students that have buggered things up downtown. Jesus H. Christ, you want your education handed to you on a silver platter for free? If you don't want to go into debt, then don't get an education. My education put my ass in debt. Ten years later, I'm still paying it off. Buck the fuck up and pay for your own education because I'm still paying for mine, and I'm sure as Christ not paying for yours with my taxes. Get a life or get out of school. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all you whiny, self righteous, ignominious social parasites who feel the need to disrupt you and your student peers' education with your pointless strikes. Here's a wake-up call. This is Canada, not the PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET CANUCKISTAN. We pay the lowest tuition fees in North America. Even the poorest of the poor can afford tuition fees if they simply work 10 meagre weeks of their lives at a shitty minimum wage job. If the rest of Canada and the U.S. knew about your pussy bullshit, they would kill all of you for being so selfish. Their tuition fees make ours look invisible. But I do agree with you on one point: Charest was wrong to cut $103-million from bursaries and loans. Instead he should have cut 103-million of your puny dicks off. That would've benefited society much better. [BLEEP!]

M I'm new to the city and there's this BIG CROSS on the mountain, okay? I'm down with the cross, it's cool. But maybe somebody needs to put, like, another religious thing up there. Maybe an Islamic moon or a Jewish star? It's supposed to be all multicultural, right? That cross kinda freaks me out. It's cool, pretty, but they should put something else up there. Okay? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, 26-year-old nice-guy virgin. Don't worry, I was 28. My goodness, it took me a long time. And there are nice ladies out there, there are GOOD WOMEN out there. Don't listen to these assholes who say you gotta be a nasty guy, for Christ's sake. You wanna meet a nice woman and you will. Just be patient and I know it hurts. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Thank God spring is coming because I can't stand to look at Ugg boots anymore. Ladies, please, cleats, snowshoes, galoshes - anything is better than these slop buckets. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum