by CHRIS BARRY, KEVIN LAFOREST,
SARAH ROWLAND AND MARK SLUTSKY

Guess Who

Okay, guess who's never going to transcend television mega-stardom into a successful film career? Yup, you guessed it: Ashton Kutcher. As difficult as it may be to respect anyone who takes a gross old hag like Demi Moore seriously enough to wanna live with her - based on his That '70s Show work - I'm willing to accept Kutcher is actually a somewhat gifted comedic actor. Except you'd never know it from the god-awful films he's starred in to date, and rest assured Guess Who is no exception.

A very loose remake of the 1967 Sidney Poitier classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, director Kevin Rodney Sullivan turns the tables around and makes Kutcher the racial outcast trying to court favour with his shvartze girlfriend's family, especially her wildly intolerant, crackah-hatin' daddy (Bernie Mac).

But don't expect any semi-profound observations on race relations like those barfed up in the original because Guess Who is all, ahem, "comedy." A blatant rip-off of Meet the Parents with a little Father of the Bride thrown in for good measure, the best thing to be said about this film is that the racial stereotypes aren't quite as annoying/offensive as they could be. Whoa, how's that for an endorsement. (CB)

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Sandra Bullock returns as the tomboy-gone-glam FBI agent Gracie Hart in this sequel to the 2000 hit. Having rocketed to fame in the first film's "Miss United States" pageant, our intrepid agent finds herself a liability in the field, as she's recognized by crooks and passers-by alike. So Gracie's superior (played by Ernie Hudson - remember him? Ghostbusters?) gives her a new job, as spokesperson for the feds. Gracie's PR abilities are put to the test when her pageant buddy (Heather Burns) is kidnapped and when she's teamed up with a tough-nut agent bizarrely named Sam Fuller (Regina King).

The two travel to Vegas and find themselves investigating the kidnapping, much to the chagrin of local FBI boss Treat Williams, who, as you might expect, throws them off the case. This is when the movie stops being dumb and becomes completely idiotic. Gracie and pals try to find her friend by the most elementary process of investigation, checking out the incredibly obvious clues that somehow 80 other agents have missed out on. You could excuse the story's problems if the movie was a straight-up comedy with a mystery twist. But for some reason Miss Congeniality 2 gets way too involved with the stupid plot stuff, and Bullock's charm only carries the movie so far (like for about five minutes). (MS)

Dear Frankie

Shona Auerbach's sweet, well-intentioned family drama is definitely not a must-see-on-the-big-screen. The first TV-movie-of-the-week scene shows a scared protective single mom, an adorable deaf boy and a feisty chain-smoking grandmother frantically fleeing from their home.

The Glaswegian trio have evidently been living like fugitives for some time now, as Lizzie (Emily Mortimer) promises her son Frankie (Jack McElhone) that this will be the last time they move. He doesn't believe her. And so he shouldn't, as Lizzie is full of goodwill lies. The biggest being that Frankie's dad is not an abusive monster hunting them down like animals, but rather a devoted loving man away at sea. She does this by writing bogus letters to Frankie, a fraudulent correspondence that the unsuspecting lad lives for.

But as it turns out, the fictitious ship that Lizzie makes up actually exists and is set to dock in a nearby harbour for 24 hours. So Lizzie scrambles to find someone to play Frankie's father just for the day (Scottish heartthrob Gerard Butler). The unreasonably handsome man ends up being a super dad, developing a genuine bond with the young boy as well as a crush on Lizzie. Good performances all round, but you're better off waiting for this melodramatic fairytale to air on BBC Canada. (SR)

Seven Times Lucky

Reviewing a film that features local talent and misses the mark on so many levels is an exercise in euphemisms. To wit: Montreal-born writer/director Gary Yates' "pared down" (po-man's) "Canadian noire" (arty film that suffers from U.S. envy) is a "throwback to" (feeble attempt at) a "vintage '90s" (extinct) formula made famous by Tarantino and Guy Ritchie.

In this classic (standard-issued) caper, "talented character actor" (not leading man material) Kevin Pollak is washed-up grifter Harlan. The middle-aged con artist partners up with young two-bit purse snatcher Fiona, played by Liane Balaban. Most will remember her "substantially better" (good) performance in New Waterford Girl.

Together the two swindlers plot out one last intricate (ridiculously convoluted) scam that will enable them to retire from a life of crime. In the role of Harlan's big sister/mid-management crime boss, Babs Chula is a standout (only one who can act in the face of a bad script). No one's loyalties are clear, since Yates keeps "throwing in plenty of surprise twists" (muddling the storyline). Not too sure what went wrong here, but since the director and most of the cast have showcased undeniable talent in previous efforts, their future work shouldn't be judged according to this disaster. (SR)

Genesis

From the creators of Microcosmos, which takes a close look at the lives of insects, comes this latest intimate nature film. Not so much a documentary as it is an epic visual poem, Genesis explores the origins of life including the first single cell through the evolutionary process, the miracle of reproduction and the inescapability of death.

Filmmakers Claude Nuridsany and Marie Pérennou compare the history of the universe to the human experience by illustrating the wonders of Mother Nature and animal behaviour. Accompanied by the imaginative music of Bruno Coulais, we get to witness amazing sights like Vitamin C crystallizing, a volcano erupting, fish learning to walk, mudskippers jumping on each other, Galapagos iguanas fighting, a snake swallowing an egg whole and seahorses' dirty dancing.

Having African griot Sotigui Kouyaté discoursing on scientific findings as if they were old mythical stories is an inspired idea, even if it somewhat withdraws from the visceral thrill of the image sequences that tell their own tale.

While it doesn't quite have the majesty of the 'Qatsi trilogy, Genesis could be viewed as an invaluable teaching tool - or a trippy flick for stoners. (KL)

La Vie avec mon père

François Agira (Raymond Bouchard) is a famous writer, even though his only novel was written 30 years ago. He spent most of his life chasing women around the world, but now that he finds himself impotent, he returns home to the sons who grew up without him. There's Paul (Paul Ahmarani), a pseudo-intellectual slacker like his old man, and Patrick (David La Haye), a pragmatic industrialist. And in one of those only-in-the-movies set of circumstances, the three men wind up living together in a dilapidated house with five dogs and a cellar full of wine.

Does hilarity ensue? Yes, for a while, which offers plenty of witty dialogue and inspired visuals gags. Unfortunately, about halfway through, writer-director Sébastien Rose decides that fun ain't enough. Borrowing freely from Denys Arcand, Rose sets up this situation where the yuppie son must take care of his bon vivant father. La Haye makes the best of a character that's little more than an archetype. But try as he might, Bouchard is unable to balance erudition and hedonism like Rémy Girard did so well in Les Invasions barbares. The third act is particularly ponderous, with the earlier good-spirited tone disappearing under opera and tears. (KL)

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous opens Thursday, Mar. 24. Dear Frankie, Genesis, Seven Times Lucky, Guess Who and La Vie avec mon pére open Friday, Mar. 25

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