M I saw a thing on CFCF-12 about Cité 2000, the local rehearsal building, and they had an interview with the manager, Shirley. They asked her what kind of music was played in that building and she said, "Oh, jazz and punk," and then later, with a lot of shyness in her voice, "metal." But in reality, metal is what more than two-thirds of the musicians who practice there play. I am tired of that kind of shyness towards metal music. Quebec buys more than half the metal sales in Canada, and Montreal is a big part of Quebec. Cryptopsy sold more than a quarter-million albums, every metal show in town is pretty much jammed, and all the international metal acts say Montreal is the best place. Our bands shine abroad - out of 10 Canadian metal bands with an international career, there is only one that is not from Quebec. Quebec is a METAL CAPITAL, and even if it's not your cup of tea, could you people in the media please stop diminishing the importance of metal music! Hey, Cryptopsy sold 10 times more records than many bands portrayed in the Mirror and you hardly ever talk about them. They are among the best sellers in the underground scene in Montreal's history! Could you please acknowledge that Montreal is a METAL TOWN? I book shows and the shows are getting more and more crowded. Please, do the math and reflect the reality of the music scene in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M This is Dracula, Dracula from Black Black calling to the guy who said we upset his girl's stomach when we hit the brown sound. Don't worry, tell her that we're working on a record where if you play it backwards the rabbit actually goes back into the hat. For anyone else who enjoyed our posturing noise NONSENSE, I'll play another show just as soon as I get a health card. I gotta go take care of my ribs. [BLEEP!]

M This is Bordell from the Mo'Funk Organization. I'm calling to bitch about Justin from the Casingles. This dude was at my last show, CRUISING my girl right in front of me. This is a message to him - I can see what's going on in the audience, you retard. Come to the next show and try it again. [BLEEP!]

M I think your fucking paper is gay, anti-American and anti-black. I can't believe you people, you have nothing good to say about America or even the black movies in the house. I can't believe you will hype all these over-rated movies but you can't find something good to say about Ray. Most of the stuff that you get is from America! Without America you people wouldn't have nothing to talk about! Every time I'm here... ah you Canadians. You're all so fucked up anyway. [BLEEP!]

F How come the only female rants you print are the ones from GIRLS LOOKING FOR POON? [BLEEP!]

F Just calling to say I prefer the music scene rants. Lately in the Rant Line™ the ARTICLES are getting too violent and crazy. [BLEEP!]

M To the 26-year-old VIRGIN GUY. So you're looking to get laid, eh? Well, if you act like a nice guy you're not going to get laid, man. You've gotta be a DIRTY DOG. Because if you don't act like a dog in heat, girls will go, "What's wrong? Am I not attractive? Why don't I inspire him to act like a dirty dog?!" Though don't overdo it - don't make them have to get a RESTRAINING ORDER. But you've got to be blunt and rude, because that's what they like. [BLEEP!]

M To the nice guy virgin. That's precisely why you're a virgin. Because you're a nice guy. And they always finish last. They have no money, NO FUN and no girls. The world is made like that and it's fucked up. I know, because I'm a nice guy too. [BLEEP!]

F I recommend this: the way I got rid of my virginity was to get wasted on tequila with someone I knew who wanted to get it on with me. Only make sure it's not somebody you're in love with - just in case you have trouble looking at each other in the morning. The ideal person is someone from OUT OF TOWN. Whatever you do, don't bother going through the hassle of getting a girlfriend just to get laid - because she will know. [BLEEP!]

M To the 26-year-old virgin. Stop watching The OC and go out a little bit. And when you talk to a girl, don't tell her you're a virgin, idiot! And at least PRETEND you're interested in what she has to say. Then, after the 30 seconds of sex and you've blown your load, you can justify it by saying it was your first time. [BLEEP!]

M Just to tell the virgin dude that he's probably a HOMOSEXUAL, because there's no such thing as 26-year-old virgin heterosexual males. If you're still a virgin by the age of 21 or 22 - this is if you're a male - it's because you are a homosexual or you just don't like TITS. So my advice to you is to go suck a dick and then tell us about it in the Rant Line.™ [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum