M Hi Rant Line™. This is John from the John School Dropouts with two thank-yous. A genuine one for having our name printed so many times, which is nice, but also to thank you insincerely for editing my rant - my original one about the BURGER KING BEATING - because it came out wrong. You took out the sincerity, the part about how NON-VIOLENCE is important. That's what I was trying to get across. So if you could print this rant now, it would be fantastic because I did want to apologize to that gentleman. [BLEEP]

M [same guy, later] Yeah, this is John from the John School Dropouts again leaving a message for the IDIOT I beat the fuck out of at Burger King. You say you are gonna subpoena me? I have nothing! You can't sue me. I'm a homeless person. You're gonna CRIMINAL charge me? Good luck with that. I'm bipolar, I can plead insanity. I go back to the loony bin and that's where I get my best writing done. You come to my show and subpoena my ass! You've seen the kind of madness our music incites! You won't make it out alive, buddy, good luck with that. Bye. [BLEEP]

M I'm calling to apologize to a certain young lady. You were dancing in front of me at Le Swimming on Saturday when Free Oxygen was in the middle of their wicked first set. Well, you did a little FUNKY dance move and tripped over my boot and you landed right on your face. I was too busy laughing to help you up and I just want you to know that I was TRIPPING really hard on some LSD and I'm really not an asshole or anything and I wish I could have helped you up. So if you see a shaggy-haired Indian dude around town wearing glasses and a Phish shirt, feel free to punch me in the face or something. [BLEEP]

M First my girlfriend had to sit through me ranting about the end of the world and conspiracy theories after buying me sushi. Then we showed up at Toc-Toc where Black Black played and yeah, they hit the BROWN SOUND with this posturing noise rock nonsense and fully gave my girlfriend the involuntary shits. So I just wanted to congratulate them for that if that's what they were after. Personally, I'm more of a One Dub Theory guy than a One Dung advocate, but thanks anyway for your shitty music, Black Black. [BLEEP]

M Yo, Montreal, seriously, we're victims of a vicious circle. Everyone sees everywhere else is MONEY - New York is money, the States is money, Europe is money, maybe even Toronto's money - but Montreal still ain't money. So what happens is I can build my skills here but then I have to leave to blow up. And that's a mistake. For instance, for the last two years, my boys have been running the LIHQ - Ligue d'improvisation Hip Hop du Québec - and we need artists, artists, artists - you gotta believe in the cause, believe in the scene, believe in yourself. Come down and develop: 90 de la Gauchetière East, Tuesdays, 8 p.m. Guys, girls, B-boys, B-girls, MCs, female, French, English - if you're into it, if you love it, do it. And then, and then maybe Montreal can be money. Peace. [BLEEP]

M Hey, I'm just calling to say that I really, really hate Ben Mulroney and Mose Persico. If they want to make some serious money, instead of brown-nosing celebrities they should engage in some sort of UNGODLY DEATH MATCH in the ring. I'd pay to see that. [BLEEP]

F To the girl who's looking for PUNK ROCK LESBIANS. Okay, man, come to the Manic Manon & the Guestlist concert Wednesday, March 23rd at Parking and I promise you that there will be a lot of punk PELT young lesbians who all want to have one-night stands. They're all at our shows now. That's where they're at! [BLEEP]

F For the girl who was wondering where to find all the cute, fun, 20-something lesbians, you aren't going to find them at Drugstore. I think where they're at is house parties, Meow Mixes and cabaret things. There are some at the universities but it can be hard to find them. Good luck. [BLEEP]

M Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm a 26-year-old VIRGIN and I just don't know what to do. I'm not an ugly guy, I'm pretty decent and I think I'm a nice guy. It's just I've never had the chance and I seriously don't know what to do. My friends always tell me to get an escort but I've too much PRIDE to do that. And I feel that it just wouldn't satisfy me. You need to feel like you've worked for it, or accomplished it in some way. Girls don't usually believe me when I tell them I'm a virgin, they either don't believe me or they LAUGH at me. I guess that's just the way it goes. So if anyone has any tips to help me out, please do. Peace. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum