by ALICE AND YANKA

Years ago, in Denmark, there was an okapi that died from fright when opera singers began their tour de chant 300 feet away from the poor thing. Ever since, each February we organize a two-person walk through the city to commemorate its decadent life and abrupt end.

Wanting to celebrate No Bullshit Month as well this year, we set out on a polar Tuesday, gougounes aux pieds, smoke au bec, hair tucked into layers of itchy wool and headed to Ontario. Ben non, pas la province, la rue, voyons. We figured that if we reached the far end of la chic Promenade Ontario, it would mean 8.3 kms through snow banks by foot, which seemed appropriate enough.

Of course, our brains froze instantly, and we suffered good ol' bats-in-the-desert hallucinations most of the way. But, like the tiny burger who wanted so badly to convince the cook that he could make it as a J'm la Frite mammoth burger, we were relentless.

Ben, c'est beau la Promenade Ontario. Almost as nice as an afternoon spent à taquiner l'achigan in an old sloop, lazily sipping warm beer, talking nonsense, listening to crickets, la yeule pleine de quenouilles. Imagine, no tapas, no sushi, no $7 beers, but hot-looking postmen, great deals, drug deals, smiling employees, witty seniors and snowplowed sidewalks! Ça existe encore!

We stroll by irresistible shops like Restaurant Gilles (Allô Gilles!), La Belle Place, Dollaramona, Le Père de la Scrap (Allô Papa!), and merrily find out it's Le Retour du Spaghetti à la Brasserie des Patriotes. O how we'd like to be a gallery and put you all inside our show.

To end our pilgrimage comme du monde, we make a pit stop on the way back in Le Palais Montcalm, a structure of tinted glass and dirty concrete that sits pretty in an empty parking lot. Wow. It's five to 3, so the charmante waitress says we can still have breakfast but that it's too late to sample the house specialties, les "Déjeuners aux couleurs de la Californie," because the waffle machine is closed. Okay then. We secretly rename them all aux couleurs du Québec, though, for "Un lendemain d'brosse en Abitibi" and "L'incroyable sex appeal de Willie Lamothe" seem far more fitting than "Matinée Californienne" and "Le Charme de Marilyn."

Still, $5 gets us eggs & bacon, yummy breakfast potatoes, des toasts and the welcomest cups of café filtre we've ever met. C'est pas du jus d'frigidaire, c'est d'l'amoooour en tasse! There are 14 copies of the Joual d'la Ville to peruse, and the atmosphere is so relaxed and quiet that come nighttime, we're still there. We watch the snowfall through the wooden blinds, bond with the nice waitresses and make fork sculptures. We don't want to leave ever, so we call for help and eat some more. Our blond ogre de service (BOdS) has not slept for 30 hours and is extremely nauseous, but it's fun to shove the menu pictures of the "Steak (haché) aux piments verts à la chinoise" ($8.50) in his face and watch him turn grey. Encore!

We chicken out of trying the Moo Goo Guy Pen and settle on "(8) ailes de poulet Buffalo géantes avec sauce rouge délicieuse, salade césar et frites" ($8.95 including soup, dessert and coffee). BOdS opts for the classic chicken brochette ($10.50 for same deal) and freaks out when his tomato soup almost knocks him flat on his ass with its massive dose of sodium and splendid radioactive orange colour. Food: 1, Mankind: 0. His plate overflows and he manages to say, "Hmmm, c'est bon et j'aime la fausse salade césar," between two mouthfuls. Les wings are délicieuses et rouges, as promised, de belles pitounes as big as cell phones. Allô? Les wings? Vous v'nez prendre une bière avec nous?! Non?! Oh well. Food: 2, Mankind: 0, Palais Montcalm: 100.

Des toasts?! cheapmotel@hotmail.com

Restaurant Palais Montcalm
ADDRESS: 1314 Ontario E.
PHONE: 527-8581
CARDS: Oui
HOURS:: Weekdays: 6 a.m.–11 p.m. Weekends 7 a.m.–11 p.m.
ON THE MENU: Chinese food, seafood, steaks, breakfasts, souvlakis,
chicken, fish, banana splits, booze and more!
IN THE MENU: "Notre veau est nourri au lait."
SMOKING: Oui
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Oui
BEST FEATURES: Amazing staff, hard-working cooks & great waitresses
RATING: *** sur **** for overall experience