Dear Beau Nobault,
Thank you, first of all, for your hilarious homonym pun name. Perhaps your ingenuity will start an exciting new trend for other letter writers.
The Ethical Slut's philosophies are wonderfully simple, but really, isn't that the fundamental quality of questioning pervasive cultural givens? And yes, in spite of the bread-and-puppet-y cover art, The Ethical Slut is an excellent navigational tool. My only criticism would be that despite the book's inclusion of a glossary of terms, I think people who aren't familiar with the language and existing culture of non-monogamy may want some outside annotation. The Ethical Slut is penned by inhabitants of the Bay Area of San Francisco, where the open sexual culture is substantially more sophisticated - and by virtue kind of insider-ish - than pretty much anywhere else in the world. Despite The Ethical Slut's best intentions and gentle, intelligent nature, I think some people who are new to non-monogamy might feel a bit bullied by the magnitude of diplomacy and understanding. I enjoy The Ethical Slut, but I definitely walk away from it feeling defensive about my own irrational and occasionally despotic approach to non-monogamy - not exactly hallmark qualities of positive sexual revolution - but still not willing to give them up for fear I may lose my "edge."
My basic belief in non-monogamy though, is that no matter how much literal understanding you have of its aptness as a personal choice, you're only as good as the people you're involved with, as well as your own commitment to really changing sometimes gratifying and impulsive patterns. I don't think you have to change all contrary behaviour, but you do have to recognize it as a potential obstacle.
There are lots of other books and resources on polyamoury. As Wendy-O Matik (herself a resident of the Bay Area) writes in her book Redefining Our Relationships, "Some stuff will be outdated and not from your generation - read it anyway. Guidance and insight can come from the strangest places." You can find a list of resources on Wendy's Web site, www.wendyomatik.com at the end of the press page.
Wendy's book is one I would personally recommend. She tells me she wrote Redefining Our Relationships with 19- to 25-year-olds in mind, and this shows in its very basic and inclusive approach. I think it's an excellent book for anyone new to the concept of non-monogamy, and not just because Wendy's sung back-up with Jello Biafra and her dearest friend was in the band Spitboy. Or because she's a poet and speaker at Ladyfests around the world. Or because I am so excited about a love-based anarchist punk chick being on the vanguard of relationship redefining. I appreciate that she's about precisely that - redefining all relationships rather than simply just extolling the virtues of sexual non-monogamy over all other forms of expression, and she questions the authority of all political agendas (because relationships are political) in our patriarchal society.
Wendy is Emma Goldman in a toque and tats, and she speaks about love in a way that might just make me uncomfortable if she were a hippie, but I actually started crying when she spoke of "making love" to her mother - by writing her love letters, by affirming that she is her first love in this world, the first woman she kissed. Don't worry, Wendy says her mom laughs uncomfortably at her, too, and she can take it. The most awesome news is that she is planning a tour and will be in Montreal in August. I for one am stoked to see her speak. Keep you eyes peeled for her.
