by JOHNSON CUMMINS

We're almost a week away from Valentine's Day and I have already found the perfect route from the florist to my girlfriend's house, via back alleys and side streets. I don't know what it is, but I just feel utterly moronic carting around a dozen roses and a stuffed bear with a card that shows a photo of an out-of-focus flower with dew dripping off of it. In years past I've tried wiggling out of this humiliating holiday by explaining that it's just a commercialized day to keep florists, fondue restaurants and Hallmark in business, but my girlfriend just won't budge. So far I've made sure that the staple heart-shaped chocolate, witty card and bouquet are always waiting when she comes home.

So why do guys go through this crushing humiliation every year? Why do grown men such as myself dart through piss-stained alleys hiding roses like crack pipes? Why do we celebrate a day that paints the whole world pink for a day? Why do we pretend to like fondue? One word: blowjobs. So here's to you, Saint Valentine - see ya in the alleys!

There's a whole buncha shows to take your special sweetheart to this week. The always-romantic Barfly offers those potty mouthed cherubs Launie Anderssohn tonight. Swoon to tender ballads like "I'm Retarded for You," "Ah Jest Need My Hole," "Poo in My Cheerios" and "What the Hell Is That Rash." Also happening tonight is the continuation of Donkey Heart's Montreal tour. After more than impressing at last week's Pony Up! CD launch at Le Local, Donkey Heart play again tonight at Sala Rossa, Friday night at El Salon, Saturday night at Electric Tractor, next Thursday at Green Room and then two nights later at the Jupiter Room. Along for the Donkey Heart ride tonight is the Kicks, Makeshift and Mike and Pat, and tomorrow night they play as part of the anti-Valentine's dance party. Saturday night they'll share the stage with ambient rockers Code Pie and Hidden in Buildings, the folky Brian Lipson and the barrage of white noiseniks Dead Bush. If you want to hear Dead Bush's sonic attack, check out "Esteban the Man" at www.myspace.com/deadbush. All proceeds from the Electric Tractor show will go to aid relief for victims of the tsunami.

Friday, Foufounes continue their Dans le Garage series with local hardcore heroes Mi Amore. The big ticket this week will also be happening on Saturday, when CPC Gangbangs and Starvin' Hungry team up to completely level l'Hémisphère Gauche.

The new weekly soirée to check out is the Bunker DJ night happening at l'Ambassade. Bunker will be kicking out the down and dirty rock 'n' roll every Monday night, and will be hosted by DJ Sweet Pete with a wide roster of guest DJs every week. Last week featured Jean-Guy Lubrique of Le Nombre and Secrétaires Volantes, and this Monday is going have Juan, DJ of Rock 'n' Roll spinning everything from punk rawk 'n' roll and doo-wop to raw soul.

Did the End and Dillinger Escape Plan crush yer cranium? jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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