by CHRIS BARRY

Nickname: Tristan Verboven

Age: 33

Occupation: Former store detective

Bio: Today a university-level English professor plying his trade at various local institutes of higher learning, only two months ago this no-nonsense Plateau enforcer was still making the rounds busting shoplifters at retail establishments across the city. "I'd just come back from Eastern Europe and really needed a job. I saw an ad for a store detective in the newspaper, thought it might be kind of fun, so I applied." And then, a full three hours of training later, Tristan was baptized an official store dick. A former bicycle courier, CKUT radio jock and the director of a handful of documentary films currently making the rounds on the festival circuit, Tristan says busting non-professional shoplifters isn't quite as much fun as one might expect.

What an aspiring store detective learns in training: Essentially, all the legal limitations and risks involved in their work, i.e. how screwed they'll be if they wrongly accuse somebody of shoplifting. "You need to have ocular proof that somebody stole something, then absolutely not let that person out of your sight until they leave the store, just to make sure they still have the [soon to be stolen] merchandise with them. Then you have to be able to identify the product and identify where it is on their person, all this assuming you can actually stop the person once they've left the store."

Something all determined shoplifters might want to know: "They [the accused] can always just keep walking and ignore you and there's nothing you can do legally. You can grab them, but you can't use physical force."

Did he ever feel like a total prick busting some poor single mother just trying to lift a few extra Pampers for her nine starving children? "Truth is, I never really wanted to bust anybody, as much as I personally disapprove of stealing. Often at the last minute I would want to let them go. It's really devastating for people when they get caught. They're always so ashamed and embarrassed. Most people are impulse shoplifters. The professional shoplifters, well, of course, that's a very different story. But sometimes, when I'd feel sorry for a person, I'd make it obvious I was following them and they'd then have the option of discreetly putting the merchandise back. We call these [in the industry] ‘burn cases,' which in many ways is better than an actual bust."

Does he believe working as a store detective is good for one's karma? "You know, I thought about this a lot, asking myself, ‘Hey, am I an asshole? Should I really quit this job?' And you know, once I began thinking along these lines I determined to quit this line of work as soon as I could."

Childhood ambition: To become a "bohemian artist."

Fave film of all time: Conan the Barbarian.

Musical preferences: AC/DC, bluegrass.

Last book read: The Great Houdini, by Beryl Williams & Samuel Epstein

Words of wisdom: "Something is always better than doing nothing."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca