by RAF KATIGBAK

The last time the Mirror met up with independent sketch comedy/film troupe Kidnapper Films, they had it all: discreet Swiss bank accounts, trophy wives, an enviable Fabergé egg collection and enough Gemini awards to build little forts out of to host weekend "money fights" in. It was 2003, and after the sold-out success of their first Variety Show at La Sala Rossa, the comedy collective's hilarious video shorts and live sketch antics put them on top of the world.

But nothing lasts forever, and the "gazillions" they purportedly made from their two-night run was invested in the infamously doomed development of a so-called acting robot that would eventually replace human actors. "We put all our eggs in one basket," admits Kidnapper Dan Haber. "Unfortunately, that basket was a cyborg based on Steven Seagal and Carrot Top."

Fast forward to the present. The once-lavish Kidnappers HQ is now empty, the silver-spoon-like mini railway system that had snaked around the compound gathers dust, and the maniacal laughter of opulence is now only echoes reverberating in the gilded halls. But through it all, the 10 Concordia communications alumni who make up the Kidnapper crew have stayed strong, holding tight to the two things that have always kept them together: friendship and the desire to make people laugh so hard they pee a little. Indeed, with their latest comedic offering, The Kidnapper Films Variety Show 2, the group are set to bounce back and re-achieve success of "stretch-Hummer" proportions. The plan is a familiar one for the Kidnappers: blend the smart, irreverent sketch comedy of HBO's Mr. Show and the absurdist, character-driven humour of Canuck legends Kids in the Hall in an evening of live comic theatre and original short films.

The Mirror recently caught up with the three core Kidnapper writer/directors Darren Curtis, Matt Silver, Pat Kiely and their security guard Dan Haber to talk about the present, the future and something called "the Cumsponge."

Mirror: Your last show was a hoot. What can we expect from this show?

Pat Kiely: In terms of all the live stuff, it's all character based. The last show was just us goofing around being ourselves. This one's very much about putting on a performance. It's more of a traditional type sketch show. We're trying to reach out, so it's more universal in terms of the comedy.

Matt Silver: With this show, something we realized is that our strength is in doing characters. Situational stuff doesn't really work with us until we actually find a good character to drive it.

PK: We don't do mock docs or spoofs. Trying not to do gross out humour as much as possible. I don't know what category we fall into.

MS: I think we fall into the "hopeless" category. We never want to go for the cheap laugh that's gonna be offensive, or just dirty for the sake of dirty. It's always gotta come from a good place. Although I do want to shoot that "Porky Piggies" sketch one day and that's gonna be offensive.

Pants off

M: Porky Piggies?

MS: It's kind of like the serveuses sexy except instead of topless women, it's bottomless men. It's really just happy guys who get to walk around with their pants off. Then, of course, there's "Return to Porky Piggies: The Sequel."

M: What's new in terms of the short films.

Darren Curtis: The difference there is a little something we like to call "production value."

MS: We spent a lot of time on the set design, Robb Jamieson built all the sets and Sarah Resnick did all the costumes.

DC: People will be wearing costumes this time.

MS: They look amazing. They're one step away from being real movies. Okay... they are real movies.

M: What's this I hear about a "cumsponge?"

MS: Well, we have to do a radio bit for Mix 96 and since it's one of those work-approved stations, it has to be for people at work.

DC: And private school boys. That's their demographic, apparently.

MS: So we thought, what do people at work and private school boys need most? Voilà: the Cumsponge!

DC: A product that cleans cum. Exclusively.

MS: It's got a chemical compound that's perfect for cleaning cum off of any surface - sheets, the ceiling... your face.

DC: We really think it's up Mix 96's audience's alley.

MS: "Eh! Regardez le cumsponge!" Actually, we wanted to make it into a movie - Cumsponge Crustypants. Y'know, for kids.

DC: Then this other thing comes out of nowhere, SpongeBob Squarepants!? I mean, it doesn't even make sense. Cumsponge Crustypants didn't talk, because sponges don't talk. Turns out people actually enjoyed the idea of a talking sponge.

MS: We just didn't understand the demographic.

M: So what are the chances of hearing about splooge-mopping on The Drive Home with Cat Spencer.

MS: Well, Mix 96 isn't out to break down any cultural barriers in terms of comedy, so I doubt there's room for the Cumsponge. I think if they even hear the sound of your dick on the mic...

DC: Why would they hear the sound of your dick on the mic?

MS: I don't know. But I don't think you can say "criminey" - or even "lickety." I'll be like, "Lickety split!" and they'll be like, "Nooooo!" in slow motion.

The next big thing?

M: What's the future hold for The Kidnappers?

MS: With all the new press about the city's music scene, we're gonna capitalize on Montreal being The Next Big Thing. So we want to do a low-budget feature about Montreal indie bands. Get everybody in the Plateau and Mile-End involved.

DC: The real idea is to have all these bands do an awesome soundtrack to a mediocre film. But the soundtrack would be everything that people talked about. It would be like 2005's answer to Judgement Night, really.

MS: Another idea is a short called Creepy Cremes. It's about the Brian Wilson of the donut world who makes these really delicious donuts. He gets insanely obsessive and he wants them to taste like emotions. Like specific "barefoot on the beach at sundown" flavours. He eventually ends up baking some really experimental donuts, like ones made with human hair and Band-Aids.

PK: Personally, if this show doesn't work out I was thinking of becoming a sort of germophobic Howard Hughes recluse. Seriously, I watched the movie and was like, "Yeah my hands are all cut up too from washing them all the time, aren't everybody's?"

M: You'd need to invest in a large supply of finger condoms.

DC: Seriously, it's like, I don't know where this sealed bag of Rolled Gold Pretzels have been, I better take out my finger condoms.

MS: Personally, and I'm not gonna speak for everybody, I was thinking of becoming the King of the Berlin Underground.

DC: What do you mean, like, the "ravemaster"?

MS: Whatever the Berlin underground is, I want to be the king of it.

PK: How'd you do that? You'd need to start dealing ecstasy right away.

MS: Well, according to the French music press, Montreal is the "new Berlin". So I thought if I were first the King of the New Berlin Underground...

DC: Maybe you should start with being the King of the Burlington Underground.

MS: What, like, hang out in the University Mall? Actually, I think the current King of The Burlington Underground is probably some DJ named Crazy Dave from the Buzz's Drive at Five.

PK: Ultimately though, we're thinking of taking this show on the road next season. Depending how the show goes, we want to bring it to the States and across Canada. We're also doing something called the Too Shit to Show Show in a month, that'll be a show with all the sketches that didn't make it into this Variety Show.

MS: And then there's also the Too Shit to Show at the Too Shit to Show Show in two months. And then of course the Too Shit to Show at the Too Shit to Show Show Show and that'll be in three months and it'll just be seven toos on the flyer.

The Kidnapper Films Variety Show 2 runs Feb. 10–12 at the Just For Laughs Museum, doors at 8 p.m., show at 9; Saturday matinée, 2 p.m.

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