by ALICE AND YANKA

Deep under the nasty cement where thrives a McDonald's café-câlisse at the corner of Atwater and Ste-Catherine rests a very special place, well known to those who cherish la revoluzionnnnne, a jug of wine in the middle of the afternoon or a robust meal.

But this eatery can only be appreciated by folks who have it in them to leave their hip hairdos behind and let their mascara drip dry on their face at least once a week.

Actually, the only thing that may, and should, shock the willing at this oasis of leatherette banquettes is the government's favourite prodigy: a pet cemetery of video-lottery machines, each one more alive than its neighbour. Be warned: if you elect to linger a while, you will have to put up with the very sad sight of a long line-up of zombies of all ages, eager to stick their claws into the eyes of their beloved allies and ordering up money at the bar like tomorrow's never happening. But besides this blatantly ignored, ever-growing plague, the Deli is well worth a star or 20.

There's two sections, entrecoupées par les fucking machines, of course, the front one boasting a classic deli décor: wood panels, jars of century-old piments tomates everywhere and neon-lit pies. All the busy waitresses with barrettes in their hair and coffee pots in their hands are warm and ravissantes. The cook, sourire en coin sous son cass' de papier, is this forest's papa bear, chopping, slicing and doing exciting things behind his counter by day and looking slightly disillusioned on his smoke break by night. Courage, bébé, ton shift est presque fini...

The back pub-ish room is smaller, darker, home to strange elephantine golf-themed thick tapestry-covered banquettes and quietly festive. All the chums gather around super-lovely Johanne for drinks and some relaxed conversation, inquiring about one's move to new digs or exchanging tips about sunny winter holidays in Rimouski.

It seems everybody is on a first-name basis too, from gamblers to staff to the plumber, but if you wish to keep to yourself, no problem. Du vrai bonheur dans l'béton. Et du vrai carburant dans l'estomac.

There's hot, club, assorted and deli sandwiches, with extras of fried eggs, salami, stuffed chicken for only 75 cents, steaks, Italian platters, jumbo burgers and a dozen Super Spéciaux. Des rigatonis, des fish & chips, des hot chickens, des hamburgers steak and Jell-o for dessert!

The grilled cheese is crissement délicieux, but $3.40 is a bit much, even for melted perfection. And they use grated cheese instead of curds in the $3.95 small poutine. Ain't nothing more to say about that.

Par contre, when the Jumbo Cheeseburger Platter ($5.95 + 50 cents pour le cheese=$6.45) comes knocking, you'll want to scream "woooooeeeeaah!" To the right are les frites magnifiques, crunchy and chaudes de bonheur. To the left, rests a big dill pickle and a small cup of coleslaw, which is obviously home-made by expert, loving hands - none of that angel hair industrial mess here - and would only need a pinch of something dirtier than oil to become our dream date.

And in the middle sits the Jumbo Burger: an Olympic-disk-sized patty, edges scorched by hell's fire, topped with a molten incandescent slice of orange Krap and a mix of extra-sweet relish, raw onion slices and coleslaw, all precariously sandwiched in a toasty bun. The equilibrium of textures and the salty/sweet/décapant ratio will leave you feeling like "j't'aime, tabarnak" all day. Wee ahhh!

On mange nos croûtes au cheapmotel@hotmail.com

G.A. Deli
ADDRESS: Plaza Alexis-Nihon, S-25 (Niveau Métro)
PHONE: 931-3904
CARDS: Yes
HOURS: Kitchen: every day from 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Bar: 10 p.m.-3 a.m.
SMOKING: Why smoke less when you can always smoke more?
DILL PICKLE: $1.75 each.
DELI QUOTE: "Oh him, he's gonna die with all his money in the bank."
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Yes, but you must make it
through the mall first.
WORST FEATURE: Dining to lyrics such as, "Girl, you look like a
movie star with your sexy dress and your fast car." Caca.
BEST FEATURE: The staff. Tip generously.
RATING: 8.7/10