by SARAH ROWLAND

Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself

Actually, Wilbur doesn't want to kill himself. If he did, he wouldn't phone his older brother Harbour every time he swallowed a few too many sleeping pills and then berate him for thwarting his mission. Still, the Glaswegian bachelors seem destined to repeat this pattern indefinitely. Until, that is, a quirky single mom parachutes into their lives.

While running the secondhand book store their parents willed to them, Harbour (Adrian Rawlins), meets the down-and-out Alice (Shirley Henderson, who played Spud's girlfriend in Trainspotting). After just a few touchingly awkward encounters, the kindhearted softie takes in the recently sacked cleaning lady, marries her and becomes a loving father to her daughter. Even though he has a family of his own and a life-threatening illness, Harbour's devotion to his manic sibling never wavers. Wilbur (Jamie Sives) shows his appreciation by boning Harbour's wife.

This is where the movie loses me. Presumably, we're supposed to like Wilbur, because a) he looks like Robbie Williams and b) behind that sardonic wit is a vulnerable man who just needs the love of a good woman. But instead, he comes across as a self-absorbed wanker. This is most evident when the terminally ill Harbour is home from the hospital for Xmas, and all Wilbur cares about is that his brother will probably want to shag his own wife. And Wilbur's whole curmudgeon shtick isn't nearly as funny as director Lone Scherfig seems to think it is. In fact, the Danish filmmaker's attempts at deadpan comedy and heart-warming sentiment are as frequent and unsuccessful as Wilbur's suicide attempts.

The Wedding Date

Every actor has their niche and apparently Dermot Mulroney's is starring opposite beautiful redheads in romantic comedies that have the word "wedding" in the title. However, if the scar-faced hunk thought he was going to recapture the frothy delight of My Best Friend's Wedding (Julia Roberts) with The Wedding Date (Debra Messing), he was sadly mistaken.

Even though I lowered the bar as low it would go for this one, nothing could have prepared me for this embarrassingly bad Pretty Woman wannabe.

Kat (Messing) was left standing at the altar a couple of years prior and she ain't getting over it any time soon. She keeps a memento box devoted to her former betrothed close by at all times. This way she can wallow in her heartache and alienate any chance of meeting someone new. When Kat finds out her little sister is tying the knot before her and that her ex-fiancé is going to be the best man, she does what every woman in her position would do: she dips into her retirement fund and shells out several grand for a high-class escort (Mulroney) to attend the four-day event. As it turns out, he's not your average prostitute. He's an all-knowing hooker who gives good head and good advice.

In one of many Hallmark moments, he counsels the distraught groom-to-be by telling him, "The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back." Not even a rental.

Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself and The Wedding Date
open Friday, Feb. 4

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