F To the chick saying that talking about your HAIR makes you superficial, hold it right there, sister. First off, I don’t like your language. No, I am not “as good and strong as any male”—I’m not a male and I don’t want to be. I aspire to different standards. I know you were trying to sound feminist but I think that comparing females to males is lame and backward. Have you ever heard of Billie Holiday, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone? I’m a strong, beautiful, independent woman, intensely devoted to being an artist, a DJ and a filmmaker and I’m constantly working on projects. I know 50 other women as productive and special as me and guess what, honey? Everyone talks about their hair at some point or another. It’s not a crime. Unfortunately, part of being successful at what you love—art, performance, whatever—is you have to give some attention to your image and appearance. [BLEEP!]

F To all you butt-ugly BALD guys out there—it’s so over. And anyone who tells you it’s sexy, they’re lying to your dick face. You all look the same. It’s tired, it’s boring. You look like butt plugs. Or better yet, tired old dicks. So why don’t you grow up and grow it out so that some of us can run our fingers through it instead of your back? Bald guys are old stinkers so why don’t you be different? That’s all. And Cher rocks. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is directed at all you little SQUEEGEE PUNKS out there that you see all summer long. I emphasize summer because that’s the only time we see you little pukes—when it’s 90 degrees out and my car is spit-shined clean, my windshield is perfectly spotless and there’s three of you fighting to clean it. Right now I’m sitting on the corner of St-Denis and Ste-Catherine and there’s not one of you little pukes to be found when my windshield takes three bottles of wiper fluid a week to clean! Are you on VACATION from the money you made in the summertime? Smoking dope and getting high with the cash? Do your job properly or otherwise we’ll boycott you! Out. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is in response to the over-sexed little hottie looking for bi bars. You have to try the Eclipse at the corner of Rosemont and Christophe-Colomb. Women only on Saturday nights—along with couples. Us couples would like to see more single women joining in the mix of things in the club. So come join us on Saturday night and you’ll find many women to flirt and dirty dance with. And then you never know—there is an auberge just upstairs. Hope to see you there, hottie. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M The craziest fucking thing just happened to me. It’s not really about music—mind you, I was listening to Run-DMC when I was driving. Anyway, a car with ONE HEADLIGHT was coming down Sherbrooke towards me and I flashed my lights to let him know and it was a fuckin’ cop. He made a U-turn and pulled me over and kept me on the side of the road for half an hour. He made me walk and I didn’t even have a fucking drink! This city’s fucked. Look out for one headlight cops! [BLEEP!]

M If you want to litter, make sure you LITTER on somebody’s lawn. Don’t litter on the streets, litter on somebody’s property. Because people don’t like garbage on their property and they will pick it up. If you want to be responsible, that’s what you’ll do. It will be better for the environment. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t know what the hell is going on but I just bought FISH STICKS and I seriously found a PUBE in one of them and I tried calling and they’re on holiday and I don’t know what to do at this point. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I’m just wondering if I’m alone in my aggravation with stares on the metro system. I know it’s common that people stare at other people in this city. My complaint is LINGERING stares. It’s awkward enough when you catch someone staring at you but, a lot of the time, people continue staring at you, straight in the eyes, after you look at them. It’s beyond normal creepy. Lingering stares. Maybe I’m paranoid but I think it’s growing to epidemic proportions. Later. [BLEEP!]

M I just want this to go out to all the small-minded sheep. It seems I’m the talk of the town and no, I’m not that loser, and no, I’m not schizophrenic. And no, I’m not psycho nor crazy nor whatever else it is that’s going around in the air. If anything, I’m blessed. I can do many many a thing and I’m not trying to put myself up on the block. I’m just down and I’m jobless and friendless and, if anything, if you think I’m staring at you, it’s just because I think you’re interesting or I’m just trying to reach out or I’m just looking for a good conversation. And yeah, I probably could drive a Ferrari. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum