by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Eric

Age: A mystery

Occupation: Stripper/proprietor of Le Sultan telegram agency

Bio: This strutting Plateau rooster first unleashed his mighty ying yang on the public after visiting Club 281 back in the ’80s and being dared to go onstage, which he did, and which subsequently led to his being hired as a full-time performer. An aspiring law student at the time, he now runs his own telegram business, Le Sultan (522-8569), where for a few bucks either Eric or one of his “artists” will happily come by and whip out the goods for you at your next garden party. And should bouncing man-meat not be your cup of tea, take heart that Le Sultan also represents a few singing clowns, a Sinatra, an Elvis, and several other top-flight entertainers. He drives a 2003 Jeep.

Can you count on Eric to pull out the full package? You sure can. “I’d say 85 per cent of the time we take all our clothes off. Sometimes women will go, ‘Oh, no, no, keep your G-string on,’ but at the last minute they always go, ‘Okay, take it all off.’ Either way, it’s the same price.”

Is owning an impressive appendage an important attribute in his business? “I guess so, but most women aren’t into big cocks so much, it’s more about your charm.”

One hazard of the stripping biz: Chicks are forever trying to steal Eric’s underwear.

Has he ever considered trying to combat this nuisance by simply performing in shit-streaked Fruit of the Looms? No, surprisingly.

One of his shticks: “I arrive at [the client’s] door dressed as a cop pretending they’re in trouble for something. Everyone, when they see a cop at the door, they immediately wonder, ‘What have I done wrong?’ But I always get them for something kind of fun or stupid.”

Has he ever tried the line, “I’m sorry to inform you that your entire family has been killed in an automobile accident. Hey, do you wanna see my cock?” “No, I’d never say anything like that.”

Does he get many invitations from audience members to come home and do a private dance for them under the sheets? Yes, but not often.

What that might cost them: “I’d rather not discuss it. I don’t want people to think we’re an escort agency. Of course, people who work for us can do anything they want, so long as they don’t do it under the company’s name.”

Does he generally feel a need to empty the content of his testicles after an inspired performance? “You know, I once [represented] a dancer who would get noticeably aroused during his performance, and you know what? People actually complained. But no, I don’t get aroused by this [work].”

Where he hangs: Thursday’s.

Last book read: The Chamber, by John Grisham.

Musical preferences: Sinatra, Lena Horne, Tony Bennett.

Words of wisdom: “When you’re smiling, the world smiles along with you.”

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca