by MARK SLUTSKY

Lordy, has Hollywood ever run out of properties to exploit these days. Sure, it makes sense to go from video games to movies, and sometimes it even kinda works (witness the often-entertaining Mortal Kombat flicks). But could they not find any better brand name recognition than Alone in the Dark? True, some people might remember the action-horror game that debuted in 1992, but if rabid fans have been clamouring this past decade for a live-action adaptation with Tara Reid and Christian Slater, I certainly haven’t heard about it.

The “brains” behind this flick, which is based on Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare, the fourth game in the series, belong to one Uwe Boll, whose IMDb entry lists, not one, but two other video game adaptations. He’s also the guy behind that Heart of America movie, which I haven’t seen, though I understand it’s some kind of feature-length commercial for the U.S. His overall directorial style is the big-budget equivalent of a slightly more competent Ed Wood. Case in point: Alone in the Dark begins with an explanatory paragraph that could very well be longer than the review you’re reading right now. The preamble hips us to the fact that there was once this Native American tribe who opened up a gate to the dark world of monsters and some of the monsters stuck around and they’re very scary and there’s this government division and a renegade scientist and a bunch of other stuff and so we should be scared.

Ahem. Anyway, we meet Edward (Slater), who as a kid was possibly kidnapped by the baddie scientist. He’s got some sort of artifact, and then he runs into old flame and brilliant archeological scientist Aline (Reid), which is something to chew on there. And then Stephen Dorff shows up in a bulletproof jacket. The point is, they encounter a bunch of demons who look like the alien from Alien crossed with the alien from Aliens. These creatures are vulnerable only to sunlight, which makes it pretty weird that there’s not one scene in the movie where a single demon is exposed to the light of day. I mean, considering the title of the film… never mind. Why this movie is being released at all is beyond me. Just stay away.

Alone in the Dark opens Friday, Jan. 28

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