by RAF KATIGBAK

Something strange happened to me at a La Belle Province restaurant the other day. After two bites of my meal, my head started spinning and my stomach sank. If I were a little less attentive, I would have passed it off as another bad episode of trois-steamies-all-dress-avec-une-grosse-poutine. But this time, the feeling went beyond the usual fear of ingesting steamed sticks of mystery meat. It was a feeling I could only describe as pure dread.

For about a minute, I couldn't figure it out. Maybe I was having a sudden allergic reaction to gravy and cheese, maybe it was even a case of love at first sight (which would be exceptionally awkward, considering the only other person in the restaurant was a man in a sleeping bag who smelled like Colt 45 and old eggnog). Then suddenly, I realized that the source of my pain, my worry, anxiety and fear, was coming from the tinny-sounding boombox behind the cash. It was Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven."

Don't get me wrong, "Stairway" (as all true Zep fans call it) is a great song. The classic Tolkien acoustic intro with the flutes, lovely, and when it breaks into John Bonham's massive drumming, unbeatable. It's just that I have a strange history with the song - like anyone who's ever been to high school. Beyond being the first and only song I've ever learned on guitar (well, the first 16 notes, at least) and the cryptic subliminal Satanic lyrics, pointed out to me by my born-again Christian high-school friend Ron Shamado ("Can't you see? ‘May queen, the whispering wind?' It's human sacrifice and global warming, man!"), it was the fact that it was always, without fail, the last song of every high school dance.

In other words, this was it - make it or break it, last chance for romance. When "Stairway" came on, I knew that I had exactly eight minutes and three seconds to grab some serious ass. Of course, being the timid and awkward teen that I was, I also knew that the ass I would be grabbing wouldn't be that of Lisa Sanders, super-hot captain of the Trojan cheerleading team, but that of Shannon Sherman, divisional chess champion and the girl with a perpetual case of post-nasal drip.

But why is "Stairway" such a great last song, anyway? After all, just when you're getting your squeeze on, it breaks out into this heavy beat and you're left sort of half slow-dancing, half headbanging - awkward! So I put it to you: what's the best last song you've ever heard at a club? What do you look for in a last song, something slow or a fist-pumping anthem? Alternately, what's the worst? The first three people to e-mail me their most memorable last-song experiences get a free CD. (My vote goes to Christian Pronovost playing Led Zep's "Whole Lotta Love" at Aria's deep room back in the day. Massive!)

The help just keeps on comin'! This Saturday, Jan. 13, the SAT hosts a local all-star electronic benefit for Oxfam. The artists' association REasie has put together a fine bill including DJ ChevyVan, Gentle Bakemono (David Kristian), DJ Mana, Ted de Genève, Deadbeat and the Crackhaus DJ duo. Cover donations start at $5. Give it up to live it up!

More of Zeppelin's satanic shenanigans at http://led-zeppelin.j1media.com/! Diskoakimbo@sympatico.ca

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