by JOHNSON CUMMINS

All the retrospectives on 2004 seem to have breathed new life into Janet Jackson's Nipplegate scandal. Hardly that offensive, when you think about some of the other stuff that the boob (sic) tube has slipped past the censors. Recall please the Leave It to Beaver episode where June Cleaver says, "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

A football halftime show would once again provide the platform for illicitly offensive material when Ashlee "I'm not my sister" Simpson performed during the Orange Bowl in Miami last week. Simpson initially ploughed her way into our blackened little hearts with her lip-synching debacle on SNL. This babysitting-money sponge proved to be a little trooper by attempting to cover her tracks of the prerecorded vocal slip-up with some sort of jig, or to use her words, a "hoedown." Simpson, who let's not forget had the ninth biggest-selling record in 2004 and the highest-rated reality show on television, pulled out all stops during the Orange Bowl when she launched into her smoking hit "La La" and, get this, without the safety net of those gosh-darned canned vocals. Completely free of acid reflux, the barefoot and fancy-free Simpson sounded not unlike Yoko Ono caught in a bear trap.

With a huge anarchist symbol as her backdrop, Simpson threw any knowledge of harmony or key out the window as she screeched out pearls like, "I'm like an alley cat, drink the milk up." Just as she delivered the final line, "You make me wanna scream," the entire audience of 72,000 made the booing of Rosie O'Donnell's World Series national anthem sound like a mere murmur. You have to see this to believe it, so peep www.lipsync.us and check out Ashlee reserving her spot next to Milli Vanilli in the Hall of Shame when she unwittingly reviews her own performance and shrieks the telling line of, "I like it better when it hurts." If you like it better when it hurts, like I do, then tune in to the premiere episode of the second season of The Ashlee Simpson Show on Jan. 28. Life just don't get any better!

In a tribute to Ashlee, all shows this week will be lip-synched, so check out accordionist/singer Jordi Rosen tonight when she unveils her new CD Lotus with Crackpot at la Sala Rossa. The Lab Project Saturday nights continue with this week's installment concentrating on guitar soundscapes with Sixtoo and members of Besnard Lakes, Where It Hurts and more, plus visuals by Neale McDavitt and Van Fleet, at O Patro Vys. In other news, the people that brought you Electric Tractor, Mandatory Moustache, are putting on a local live-band series every second Tuesday at le Divan Orange (4234 St-Laurent). Any interested bands can get hold of them at mandatory_moustache@yahoo.com, and be sure to check this column for their upcoming shows.

Was Ward really hard on the Beav last night? Let me know. jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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