I'm a fag with a boyfriend, and we're having the same issue. The problem you failed to see is that being turned away nearly every time you want sex with your lover isn't a small problem, it's about being rejected by the one person you love the most. Believe me, there are only so many times you can be told, through body language or the verbal kind, to fuck off by this person who says he/she loves you before you begin to wonder. » Mark
Dear Mark,
If you're going to enforce such stringent borders on a combined sexual diet, then you have got to be prepared to have your expectations challenged and occasionally crushed. While many people can acknowledge that space and partner variety may help preserve their relationship, very few people are willing to (openly, since plenty of people cheat) try it. Why? Because it contradicts their construct of romance, love, loyalty and security.
What a lot of people who ask your question seem willing to act on as a compromise is a series of committed relationships that end badly when the sex dries up. Ask any serial monogamist their relationship history and one common tale they'll tell you is this: lots of great sex at first, a loss of interest, fights, a break-up, sex outside of this, reconciliation, great sex again for two weeks, and on and on. What does this pattern tell you? That we try to avoid pain, even though with it sometimes comes wicked passion. So really, the impetus of our concept of love is not actually love, but pain avoidance.
Some people (H.P. Lovecraft being one of them) think that the first and principal emotion is fear, and that all other emotions are derived from this. As someone who tends to agree, I also then tend to believe people are motivated by fear, and applying that to a relationship model, it's easy to see why people appreciate monogamy. Because they're afraid of being alone. Because they're afraid of being jealous. Because they're afraid of losing someone. I've lost people, I've been jealous and I've been alone, and I still miraculously have an abundance of joy and anticipation in my heart. But since I'm human like everyone else, I don't see myself as being above fear in my approach to love. I'm just more afraid of being bored, smothered and depriving.
You see, Mark, I am your boyfriend in that equation. I am the one who turns off and still proclaims love, whose lack of consistent desire "makes" someone feel like shit, who ends up with the snivelling, runny-nosed partner begging for it in such a way that compounds my indifference to a point where I want to stab them in their sleep. Therefore, I have chosen to be non-monogamous, despite the fact that non-monogamy also has some ghastly qualities, and most of the people I meet who describe themselves as (barf) poly are smug, unfuckable weirdoes with criminal fashion sense.
What do I think you should do? What I think most people should do. Stop relying on one person to confirm and bolster and nourish your sexual identity. Fuck other people. Talk about fucking other people. Research the concept of fucking other people. And while non-monogamy may not end up being the solution for you, I do think you need to maintain your own independent sexual identity throughout your life because you're going to need it, no matter who you fuck. You're not owed sex just by virtue of being in a relationship. You need to cultivate it, just like you do when you're not in one.
