by ALICE AND YANKA

Ahhh, where to eat, you say? Well, don't ask Yanka for a place to go for food because you'll end up in the used furniture and appliances district. And never ask Alice because she'll answer, "Il faut que j'aille jouer à balle avec mon gaaaaant…" En fait, c'est simple. If you really need to know where to get a meal digne de ce nom en compagnie de la croûte des jet-setters, just don't ever ask us. We'll send you to poste 33, manger du phone book. Miam miam.

En plus, when we're starving, we look both like a couple of old dehydrated diseases and always look for a spot where the lights are very dim. But when we're famished and particularly grey with hunger, we tend to end up in places like la Plaza St-Hubert, aka Plaza No Mercy, barging right into the only outlet that seems open. And on this magnifique Tuesday night, it's El Jibaro.

Hélas, as soon as we take in our surroundings, our eyes want out - even if the place is kind of nice and darkish. C'est vide comme la vie là d'dans, pas un rat dans place, save for a man taking notes and drinking Molson Die, et le menu nous inspire autant que le ver solitaire.

We're too sissy to just grab our scattered belongings and flee our sinking ship, so we try to use the non-smoking rule to exit. But the waitress brings us an ashtray. So fuck it, on s'étampe le cul dans not' chaise et puis tant pis.

"The menu lacks magic. Screw you magic." Yanka growls. "Ben, tu peux manger des haricots, t'en veux pas?" "Nooooooooooon, I want chocolate chicken." Ah. Browsing fast, we notice soupe du jour ($1), brochette de coeurs de bœuf ($8.95), haricots & ragoût de bœuf à la coriande, raw fish, fried fish, boiled fish and so on.

And papas are everywhere; soon we're twirling dans un vortex de patates and we order n'importe comment: steamed papas with cheese sauce ($3.95), brochette de filet mignon with rice, salad and papas ($11.95), garlic snails ($3.95) and garlic shrimps ($3.95). And vino from their best fountain, bien sûr. "All this garlic, you see, c'est pour affaiblir les vampires avant de les avaler tout rond et ensuite ne recracher que leurs yeux, intacts," we inform the waitress as she runs away.

While waiting for stuff to happen, we stare at the white stucco walls, dip our dirty fingers in the tiny candle's wax and wonder why plastic grapes hang from the ceiling. Maybe it's an ode to l'grand Bacchus… Maybe if we eat them we'll morph into a barrel of wine… Are we on a date?… Why is Bryan Adams alive?… Interrupting these dim-witted thoughts is chef Luis, yelling in his cell phone from the back, apparently not cooking. Is he a revolutionary?

Well, the food piles up eventually, the snails and shrimps completely covered with a crust of very salty cheese and garlic in their little white nests. Is it good? We can't agree, but it could melt black ice, ça c'est sûr. Les papas with cheese sauce are very unusual: thick slices of cold potatoes, stacked high and swimming in an ultra-smooth creamy sauce. After a few bites, we don't know what to do with them, so we take their picture. La brochette arrive, ahhhhhh, le boeuf est beau and the plate, huge. Embroche-nous, bébé.

There's also (under-baked) tatties, a hill of rice, salad for 10 and two tins of sauce, mais 'tension, one of them is super spicy and Yanka spits and burns as she handles the meat, her throat on fire. An hour later, she's dancing like a mad jackalope, Luis is hiding din bécosses, l'impitoyable flash du Polaroid scares the living shock out of our waitress and some boy in the kitchen, and all is not so bad after all.

El Jibaro Cuisine Péruvienne
ADDRESS: 7183 St-Hubert
PHONE: 948-4827
CARDS: MasterCard, Interac
HOURS: Every day from 10 a.m.–midnight
TUBERCULE-FRIENDLY: Crissement friendly, oui
SPICY? Not really, mais ayez la sauce aux aguets
SMOKING: Ben oui
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Oui
RATING: Good