by JOHNSON CUMMINS

It's time for the staff Christmas parties again, and one Mirror staff party that sticks out in my mind was a real doozy. A power-dressing woman (accounting dept.?) kept staring at Rick Trembles and I, whispering to her secretarial pool and pointing at us. I guess she just thought me and the ol' "Trembler" were out on day pass from the halfway house and crashed the party to slather up the sauce. She walked over and decided to check my credentials, and in my drunken frame of mind, I responded with "Sasha, the sex columnist." I guess the copious amounts of Fuzzy Navels she was drinking really loosened the screws at the back of the tongue, giving her immediate license to rattle on about her dildo collection. After 30 minutes of her blathering to my drunken, catatonic face about her collection of Japanese butt plugs, I switched gears and told her that I had lied, that my name was really "Dougie" and that I was the guy who supplied the string to help bundle up the papers every Thursday. After turning crimson red, she went immediately to the coat check and stormed out the door of the faux chi-chi joint, and I haven't seen her since. Here's to your upcoming staff parties being at least half as good. Cheers.

Tonight is going to be a real rock 'n' roll showdown, so choose your poison well. L'Escogriffe is sporting the punky yet styling sounds of Peterborough's Money Money and opening act Jesus and the Headliners. An odd pairing, seeing as Money Money's dads are all ministers, as is one of the guitarists. You can't make this shit up, people - check out the bio on www.wearemoneymoney.com. They could've at least let their messiah top the bill instead of making him the sweat act.

More shit on the rock 'n' roll tip Friday night. BBQ (ex-Sexareenos) and Demon's Claw both support the return of the Blacksnake himself, King Khan, at Casa del Popolo, while Quebec's heaviest Fallout Project, Malajube and la Descente du Coude rock Balafre, who ask that you bring a non-perishable food item to be donated to Dans la Rue.

The prog-noise duo USA is a Monster returns to Montreal on Saturday night, with Jerusalem in my Heart (with Radwan from Cursed and Sam Shalabi) and those Seripop peep's ultimate tribute to Iron Maiden, Aids Wolf, at 100-Sided Die (5334 Gaspe). On the Sabbath day (or rather night), check out Navajo Code Talkers and Dutch Oven as they lay down the sludge at Café Chaos, and finally, on Wednesday, why not embrace your inner Grinch when that potty-mouth Uncle Costa puts on his annual Fuck Xmas party at Foufounes Electriques. Vulgar Deli hosts, guests include Cynical Czardas.

Dry-hump anybody by the photocopier? Try to punch your boss naked? Both simultaneously? I just gotta know. jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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