F I'm giving two thumbs down to the SAT because they promoted an all-ages movie screening but then I watched them throw out all the YOUNGUNS. It was probably because the promoter, Julian, spent too much time trying to be trendy with his sideways trucker hat and oversized hoodie to remember what it was like to be young. [BLEEP!]

M Have you noticed if you take the C off the word CRAP, you'll notice that you have the music of nowadays? [BLEEP!]

M Kops Crew are making FOOLS of a lot of people. Did you know that they're a splinter group of the white supremacist American Heritage Front which, in turn, is co-ordinated world-wide with other Nazi groups? KOPS stands for Kraut Operative Post Strasbourg. They think that by using a derogatory word for Germans, they will throw people off. Strasbourg is a central seat of administration for them, that's right, just as it is for the European Commission. Now you know. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. I was just on bangme.net. It's a local server where people can go from around the world and post their picture and find out how BANGABLE they are. Anyways, it's shocking that 50 per cent of these people are soldiers from Iraq. Well, no wonder you people aren't winning the war - put down the computer fucking mouse! [BLEEP!]

F I just want to call and complain about some idiot on the metro who threw a creamer at me and I wanna say, buddy, get a life. Get a job and find something to do other than being a public nuisance. I really don't appreciate getting CREAM all over my nice coat. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F I need to ask all the women out there something. I'm tired of listening to women complain about their hair, their makeup and their boyfriends. I wanna know if there are women out there who are really talented musicians or artists, women who work and devote their lives very intensely to some kind of project. Because I'm fed up of hearing all these girls talk about babies, HERBAL TEA and stupid Christmas suppers. Is there really any female who has a strong character and still fights to prove herself to be as good and as strong as any male? To hell with these stereotypes! But it's hard to get rid of them when you've got a lot of girls more obsessed with what they look like than to succeed and develop a talent. I'm sickened by all these SUPERFICIAL GIRLS, unfulfilled with their lives. How many women broke their limits and created something new? How many women musicians will be remembered as well as Jimi Hendrix or Miles Davis? Yes, there are some, but not enough. I wish to meet some inspiring, determined, talented women who feel the same way. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M You gotta tell me where these girls are going to pick up other girls because my girlfriend is looking for a girl to pick up and I gotta get in on that. So just leave a message and tell us where it's at. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling to debunk the myth that BISEXUALS don't exist. Because it's really frustrating for us bisexuals who did not just descend from some other planet, as you may or may not think. And it's also really frustrating that this city doesn't have any BI BARS. You can go partying in a straight club or a gay club but where do the bisexuals go? It's kind of a risk to approach someone of the same sex in a straight bar, because they might get everyone to kick you out. And it's kind of a risk to approach someone of the same sex in a gay bar, because they might get offended when they find you also go for people of the opposite sex. What the hell, man? We're just OVER-SEXED LITTLE HOTTIES with one-track minds, in many cases. And you all need to start accepting it because it's the next step in the sexual revolution. And I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. So could you just spread the word? We do exist. So please stop negating our preferences. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I don't have anything against DOGS but dog owners in Montreal are fucking annoying. They spend all their time and money baby-talking their dogs and getting DOG MAKEOVERS. Dog owners are inconsiderate assholes - I stepped in dog shit three times in one week. Since then I've been noticing dog shit everywhere. I know Montreal is supposed to be called the Paris of North America, but whatever, I think dog owners are taking it a little too seriously. For all the muzzle-heads walking your attack dogs - you're a bunch of pussies and your dog doesn't make you look tough. So fucking bend over and pick up after it. For all you Euro-trash wannabes, carrying your frou-frou rat dogs around in your purses, why don't you take your ridiculous dog and move to France?! Or if you won't leave Montreal, at least keep one of your ugly purses for collecting your dog's shit. See ya later. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum