Dear Sasha: A few months ago, a local gentleman found me online and we chatted amiably. His profile said he was looking to be a part-time houseboy to a woman or a couple. He was open and intelligent, and said he wanted to clean my house.

We met in a public place, and eventually I allowed him to come to my house for a cleaning gig. I visited him a few times while he was doing it (mostly remaining in an adjoining room) giving him direction and basically speaking to him the way I would if I was training a dog—firmly, briskly, not cruelly. When he was done, he kissed my feet and I told him I would inspect his work and let him know later if it would be worth inviting him back. When he left, I realized that not only did I really dig having someone clean for me, but I was also totally wet. I e-mailed him to let him know I was satisfied with his work and would allow him to visit my house again. He has not responded to my messages. It’s been a few months now.

I wouldn’t mind getting a primer from some reputable person with experience running houseboys, or houseboys who are willing to share their experiences. I am leery of the sorts who believe it’s not for play and character should never be broken! » Looking for Trainer Training

Dear Looking,
Conversations I’ve had with dominatrixes on this matter frequently point to one fact: while houseboys or sissy maids are an abundant commodity, a good one (who does the job well, isn’t whiney, doesn’t lick hairy treasures off toilet bowls unbidden) is a find. This is not to say that your recent discovery isn’t going to set you off on a path of pleasure and adventure, but dry dishes and a wet pussy require some investment. To start, you’ll find some sound advice on topping in The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

“It sounds to me like she had a great first experience and her instincts served her well,” says Trixie, whose steamin’-hot houseboy Tucker you can see on www.trixieshouseboy.com. “I wouldn’t necessarily take his silence since then as any reflection on her own inexperienced performance as a lady boss. A lot of people feel conflicted about their desire to be dominated and have second thoughts, feelings of guilt, or just a plain old fear of intimacy, which could explain his disappearance.”

For your part, you must be crystal clear about what you want out of your houseboy. The desire for “better communication and a houseboy who doesn’t require every single interaction be rife with overt domination and exaggerated role playing doesn’t make her a less desirable mistress,” says Trixie, “it makes her a woman who knows what she wants. The only rule she needs to remember is that it is her role to seek out and demand exactly what she wants, as long as it’s safe and consensual, in whatever way is exciting, natural and fun for her.”

Trixie suggests that before you start seeking out advice from those experienced with this type of play, you write down what it was that initially led you in this direction. “Was it the lure of a clean house? Was it simple curiosity? Was it a desire to make this man prove he meant what he said? Was it the excitement of taking a risk and doing something new?” Write down everything you enjoyed about the actual experience as well—which parts were appealing, which you would like to re-enact. “Perhaps include a power-neutral feedback session afterwards to talk about what worked,” says Trixie.

“After all of this reflection, I think she’ll find what she wants in a houseboy, and she should pursue it whether or not it meets any formulaic notion of what a mistress/houseboy relationship should be.” Trixie’s greatest advice? “Her houseboy should serve her, not some larger BDSM community or a panel of experts. When she clarifies her own desires, she can confidently communicate her wishes to her next houseboy.”

Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
465 McGill Street, 3rd floor, Montreal, Quebec, H2Y 4B4
Fax: 393-3173
e-mail: pouledeluxe@yahoo.com