M Well, well, well. People talk about goth starting with Venom or with Juju from Siouxsie and the Banshees. And here I was thinking it was from the BATCAVE, where bands were trying to do Bauhaus music. The goth movement, the way I’ve seen it develop, was Bauhaus, was Alien Sex Fiend, was a lot of other bands that weren’t at all together with Venom or Siouxsie and the Banshees. It also started with the idea of being all in black and being VAMPIRES and the Batcave was a very good place in England to be that. And the Industrial movement got grafted to that too. And the metal movement got grafted to the goth movement. But the beginning, it was the Batcave. Only, surely, the Batcave. [BLEEP!]

M Thank the Great Pumpkin that I’m not a goth, but forget all this stuff about Siouxsie and Venom. The term “goth” was coined by biologist Lyall Watson in his 1973 book, The Romeo Error, and it means a state between life and death. Musically, though, the true ancestor of goth is, for God’s sake, the Doors. Sorry to say it, guys: the Doors. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, everybody knows that the goth movement was started by John Ruskin in 1851. Nineteenth century represent! What?! [BLEEP!]

M I’m replying to the comment about no long hair in the mosh pit. I’ve got to admit that’s a pretty good idea. When I go to a heavy metal concert and I slam myself into a huge group of people, I want to remain PERSPIRATION FREE. And, man, why do they have to push you?! So, yeah, why don’t we all cut our hair, put on some snazzy new clothes, stand in a neat little row, listen to some Milli Vanilli and then we can calmly hop up and down in an ’NSync fashion. Doesn’t that sound like fun? No, not really! That’s because mosh pits are meant to be sweaty, violent places. You can be stomped to death, O.D., stabbed by spikes, having people flying into you and onto you and, all in all, get the LIVING FUCKING SHIT kicked out of you. That’s why it’s fun! So if you’re worried about a little bit of hair sweat, you should check out the show from the stands. It’s easier to smoke pot up there and you can remain sweat-free. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who hates BOUNCERS who won’t let him into clubs with his shitty-assed jerseys. Well, I’m a bouncer at a club and the reason we don’t let motherfuckers like you in is because you don’t drink, you don’t do anything. You sit in the corner sipping the same beer you bought three hours ago, GRINDING up on girls who don’t even want to look at you and end up causing trouble for me. Then I have to kick you out at the end of the night because you got in a fight with someone because they stepped up to your ball and chain or some bullshit. So, of course, we’re not gonna let you motherfuckers in, you’re nothing but trouble. You don’t drink, you cause trouble, you look like a fucking bum with your fake-ass jersey that you bought on eBay for $5. So don’t give me your hottest-shit-in-the-entire-city shit. Stay out of the clubs and get some real clothes, motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

F The root of hip hop is in the heart—not from a fucking city. That’s all I gotta say about that. [BLEEP!]

M I said a hip hop/the hippie the hippie/to the hip hop/a you don’ stop/the rock it to the bang bang boogie/say up jumped the boogie/to the rhythm of the boogie the beat. Oh for fuck’s sake, would you guys lay off with the hip hop shit? [BLEEP!]

F First of all, the club scene in Montreal ain’t shit. For one, we got these DJs who got COMMERCIAL SYNDROME or something—they can’t stop tracking catchy shit. And two, where are the all-girl clubs at? I mean, a sister can’t even get her freak on. You see, I go to clubs like Parking with the hopes of finding a little EYE CANDY to scope out—the chocolate-coloured ones to be exact. But no, I always come up empty-handed. It’s not enough, the selection’s not there. Where are the beautiful black lesbians? Where do y’all party? Let me know because, trust me, I will be there. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F For the girl who said the NBA is GHETTO and the players are ghetto and hip hop is ghetto. Yo, bitch, they may be ghetto but they’re ghetto FAB. Why are you hating them? People making money—what the ass are you doing? Staring at your hockey, eating cheeseburgers? Hip hop rules. NBA, oh my God, best sport ever. Stupid Canadian hockey. [BLEEP!]

M Of course, Montreal has a ghetto. It’s called McGill ghetto. [BLEEP!]

F To that woman who doesn’t think Montreal has a ghetto, she should come to my neighbourhood. It’s called Little Burgundy. It’s definitely ghetto. [BLEEP!]

M This is for that bitch who said that Montreal has no ghetto. Come to Pointe St-Charles, you fucking cunt. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum