by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Steve Legassik

Nickname: Sack

Age: 37

Occupation: Fighter pilot/instructor

Bio: This strapping buck of a military man and downtown resident first started flying gliders at age 16 and became a private pilot at all of 17 years old. Eventually joining the Canadian Armed Forces after deciding university just wasn’t his thing, Steve, an exceptionally gifted aviator blessed with just the right eyesight and physical attributes to fly fighter jets, was given the highly sought-after opportunity to start flying the mighty CF-18 jet, something he did for over a decade, winning countless accolades and impressing all those who pay attention to these things. After a two-year stint flying commercial jets in Saudi Arabia for “a small fortune,” Steve returned to Canada to lend his superior war skills to Northern Lights (www.nlcas.ca), a private firm that trains burgeoning fighter pilots how to blow things up more effectively. “This is definitely a cool gig.”

Will Northern Lights train foreign fighters? “Sure, if someone wants us, we can go anywhere, anytime.”

Has he ever worked as a mercenary? “No, but I certainly would for enough money. But most of the countries hiring mercenaries are quite poor so they just rape and kill everyone with machetes. They don’t worry about jet fighter pilots.”

Has he ever killed anybody? “No, I was too new when the first Gulf War was on, and I was an instructor when we were killing a bunch of people in Serbia and Kosovo and all that. But all my students went.”

The number of students he’s taught who’ve been shot out of the sky: Zero, so far.

Is an aerial dogfight somewhat less nerve-wracking with a six-pack beside you in the cockpit? According to Steve, pilots aren’t encouraged to drink and fly.

Do chicks really love a man in a uniform? “You might think so, but really, it’s mostly guys who are interested in jets. Except in the States. The girls there are all over you. In Canada, if I go out in my flight suit people don’t know if I’m a fireman or bus driver. Down there, everyone knows your rank, what your badges mean—it’s a different thing, a different culture. Anywhere in the States they all love and support their military.”

Did the Northern Lights crew jump for joy upon learning G.W. Bush won the recent U.S. election, confident that this administration will make sure skilled fighter pilots are in demand the world over, consequently turning the Northern Lights dudes into very rich men? “Not really. What we do is an ongoing requirement. Actually, if anything, during wartime, most pilots are off fighting instead of being at home training [with us].”

Is he every day just lusting to get over to Iraq or Afghanistan to teach a little FREEDOM to those ornery, ungrateful bastards by bombing the shit out of them—and maybe even logging his first kill to boot? Not in the slightest. “Not going into battle is just fine with me.”

Musical preferences: CHOM FM.

Words of wisdom: “What goes around comes around.”

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca