by SARAH ROWLAND

The next time Oliver Stone goes to all the trouble of writing, directing and co-producing a three-hour epic, he should consider shelling out some cash for a dialect coach, because Angelina Jolie's Greek goddess-meets-Polish cleaning lady-meets-Elvira enunciation is laughable. Playing Olympias, her cheap accent was at times so distracting that I expected the Academy-Award-winning actress to start yelling, "Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger." Though she never did break into a John Belushi shtick, her disruptive voiceover would frequently cut into the story of Alexander the Great (Colin Farrell) and his many conquests, including the Persian Empire, Rosario Dawson and most of the known world circa 300 BC.

Another disappointing aspect of this historical bio is that Jared Leto (My So-Called Life) and Farrell never get it on. All we get are some really impassioned hugs. Odd, considering Stone goes to such great lengths to convey that these two characters are deeply in love.

Yet when it comes to the bedroom scene between Dawson, who plays Big Al's wife, and Farrell, we're treated to yet another one of those special cinematic moments where a near date rape morphs into really hot sex.

Stone seems tapped for fresh ideas in other areas of his filmmaking as well. His only attempt at creative cinematography is the scene where the camera shoots from Alexander's point of view as he looks up from his make-shift stretcher and sees an overexposed sky and the psychedelically electrified trees. And even that is nothing more than leftovers from Stone's 1991 Morrison biopic, The Doors.

What saves Alexander from being a complete disaster is, of course, the battle scenes, especially when the Macedonian king overextends his army in India. He and his thousands of horsemen are literally crushed by the stunning golden-armoured elephants. There are also some funny, albeit predictable, ironic moments sprinkled throughout, such as when Alexander looks over his greatest conquest, the Babylonian Empire (aka Iraq). Beaming with self-congratulatory pride, he declares, "We liberated these people; they should be grateful." Can't say you didn't see that one coming.

Alexander is now playing

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