by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Neil Schwartzman

Age: 44

Occupation: Computer security consultant

Bio: This noble NDG resident opened his first e-mail account all the way back in 1992 to better communicate with other computer "geeks" about Valery Fabrikant's then-recent Concordia killing spree. "There was no spam at all then, and we geeks would get really bent out of shape when we came across any commercial stuff online." But as the years went on and he started receiving close to 1,000 spam e-mails a day, this determined tyke decided to take action. Writing a series of failed spam filters and realizing he was no match for the pro spammers, he turned his energies towards lobbying government to effect change via his Canadian Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial E-mail (CAUCE, www.cauce.ca), a non-profit advocacy group. These days he may well be the most prominent spam fighter in the galaxy. "I really think we're on the cusp of something now." He drives a red 1999 Volkswagen Beetle.

Does he generally wear a spandex superhero costume with a big "S" emblazoned on his chest while going into cyberspace battle? "Yeah, right. And it's crotchless."

What every responsible citizen should do upon discovering an "unwanted" e-mail entitled "These sluts are 70 years old and desperate for dick" in their inbox: "Well, unless you're into that sort of thing, just delete it. Never respond to those ‘unsubscribe' lists. The spammers just take that as acknowledgement you have a valid address. Look, AOL and Hotmail get about 3 1/2-billion pieces of spam a day. If they can't do something about spam, the individual sure isn't going to be able to do anything."

Something simple that will not only upset Bill Gates but insulate you somewhat from the various perils lurking online: Don't use the same software everybody else is using. If everyone is using Outlook, then use Eudora or some other e-mail software.

Did he wind up taking on the persona of Spam-fighter just for how hot it makes the chicks? Absolutely not.

Has he ever had a girlfriend? Yes, apparently.

One vaguely related, vaguely interesting fact: "In Washington state recently they impounded the proceeds from this penis growth pill organization. They seized something in the $100-million range, which is supposed to go back to the men who were cheated, except nobody wants to go claim it. Nobody wants to go, ‘Hey everybody, look at me, I've got a small dick and I'm also an idiot.' Spam plies on personal weaknesses: your dick's too small, you've got too much debt, your tits aren't big enough etc. Essentially, it's just a new delivery mechanism to propagate the same old scams."

Something he believes will greatly curtail the diabolical forces of spam: New regulations CAUCE is pursuing which, if implemented, will enable individuals to actually sue the people spamming them.

Where you might find him boozing: Whiskey Bar.

Last book read: Hey Rube, by Hunter S. Thompson.

Musical preferences: NIN, Johnny Cash, J.S. Bach.

Fave TV Channel: BBC World.

How to hire Neil for his spam/security/e-mail marketing consultant services: .

Words of wisdom: "Close cover before striking."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca