by KEVIN LAFOREST

With a whopping $30-million budget, Nouvelle-France is one of the most costly Québécois films ever produced. Still, it's not outrageously excessive, when you consider Hollywood can barely scrape together a flimsy little comedy like Jersey Girl for roughly the same amount. Here, at least, we get an elaborate period re-creation, complete with cannonballs flying through Quebec City and a huge international cast. Unfortunately, that's not all we get. This hopelessly sinking enterprise comes complete with a worthless script (courtesy of Pierre Billon), and the most obvious and uninspired directorial choices (courtesy of the otherwise reliable Jean Beaudin).

Billon, unsurprisingly, was also responsible for the practically unwatchable Un Homme et son péché remake. But where that film was unintentionally funny in its mediocrity, Nouvelle-France is so bad that one can't even find the strength to mock it.

The story takes place in 1759, "the year of all the passions." As the French are gradually abandoning their colonies in Canada and the English prepare to conquer them, everyone's attention in Quebec turns to Marie-Loup Carignan (Noémie Godin-Vigneau). The young widow catches the eye of a beautiful trapper (David La Haye), a no-good soldier (Sébastien Huberdeau), the sleazy Intendant Bigot (Vincent Perez) and even the town's priest (Gérard Depardieu).

What follows is a melodramatic romance doubling as a shallow history lesson, and that's just the first half of the picture. For the second portion, once the English take over Canada, the historical context is all but forgotten. In its place, we're subjected to the protracted love story. This goes on until everyone is nice and bored. Then, out of nowhere, the final 30 minutes turns into some sort of a Joan of Arc story.

After an endless 150 minutes, the coup de grâce comes in the form of ear-poison courtesy of none other than Celine Dion. The filmmakers obviously want Nouvelle-France to be our Titanic, but they could not have failed more miserably.

Nouvelle-France opens Friday, Nov. 19

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