M To whoever it was who said the Unicorns' drummer has the tightest ass in the city, I'd like to say there's a tighter ass - it's the bassist of Ghetto Pony. I look at that ass and I say, "My god - there is no tighter ass in this city." [BLEEP!]

F To the person who commented on the goth scene: I'm a goth and I love Saphir. It's my club. I have lots of friends who go and, yes, some have attitude. It goes with the style. Goths can be stand-offish, the same way punks can be obscene or preps can be SNOBBY, but not everyone is like that. Look closer next time. Also, as a female goth, I do give attitude to the NORMAL guys who go to the club. That's because they worry me - when they show up, they're usually there to make trouble. So if I was rude to you, I'm not sorry. And wear black next time. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy who wants to know where he can go dance all night. Well, instead of bringing your lame ass to Aria and Saphir, you need to know you have to hit Redlite, because that is the place to be! You dance until 12 o'clock in the afternoon and you gots to be there. [BLEEP!]

F You ain't gonna find a good place to dance in the clubs because they're all MEAT MARKETS. The only place you can dance and feel free and not feel like everybody's judging you or trying to pick you up is in the underground. And, yes, I'm talking about RAVE. There are all different styles to suit your needs and your attitude and whatever you dig. [BLEEP!]

F Two places to dance: the Church at Parking on Sundays, excellent house stuff, lots of gay people but everyone's so chilled and good looking that you'll have a great time. Second, the Goods, once a month at Sala Rossa, all about hip hop and funk, lots of SEXY LADIES full of attitude. Good luck trying to pick them up - they're there to dance, not to look at you. And as for the lady trying to de-virginize another virgin: why don't you come by my house, I could use it, I like a good bang any time. Later, sexy mamas, ciao. [BLEEP!]

F I'm ranting about the girl who ranted that there are no virgins in Montreal. Well, that's because you haven't been to the West Island. They even still live in their parents' homes. Now, is that a virgin for ya? [BLEEP!]

M This is to all the girls in Montreal who give out their phone numbers and then screen their calls. Be mature, you know? [BLEEP!]

M To the girl with the piercings who wanted to work at Chapters, what you've gotta go do is join the International Church of Bodily Modification. It's an honest-to-god religion, although all it requires is that you have some kind of body modification. So then when they try to give you shit, you just say, "Hey, it's part of my religion, you can't change that, don't discriminate against me, bitch!" [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'd like to say that Montreal is a very conservative city. You go into the strip bars here and there's nothing to see, they're so dark. The stage is so badly lit, you can't see anything, even though they charge you $5 to get in. It's just unbelievable. I don't think Montrealers are too much into SIN, I'll tell you that. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to say fuck off to my English teacher. [BLEEP!]

M About Margo the CKUT Weather Girl. You know who else is hot? The blonde chick on CFCF-12. She's the hottest. [BLEEP!]

M I just got here today. The girls in this town are giving me shit about the names of cheese. I don't know where the hell I am. I'm feeling a little bit lost and they think THE MOUTH OF GOD is not a good name for a cheese and The Dream of the Mean People is not a good name for a cheese. I don't know why they should know a good name for a cheese that I don't know - just because they live closer to the cheese. For all I care, they could lick the milk of the cow straight from the source. That's all I've gotta say. Good night. [BLEEP!]

M Someone stole my bicycle. Why would you steal my bicycle? I paid $25 for that bicycle and you took it. The basket has holes in it. You can't even put anything in the basket anymore because it'll fall out of the bottom. The front wheel is loose. Why would you take it? I hope you die. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I have the W from the Warshaw sign. The big giant plastic W and I'm wondering if it has any value. If anybody has any idea of how to get in touch with anybody who might be interested in purchasing this from me, please let me know. See ya. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum