M Oh, you know, this coffee, when you drink a hit of espresso around 8 o'clock, I swear to God, six hours later, you're still awake. So here it is, it's 3 in the morning, and I'm awake and I'm thinking, it's the booking agents, man. Those guys are the UNSUNG GODS OF THE MUSIC SCENE. It's true! About 12 years ago, I met the guy who was booking for Foufounes Électriques and I realized this guy had been bringing in bands for years. We're talking the B-52s, man, he knew everybody, he did it all. We never talk about the booking agents and they're the ones who make this town rock. So why don't we have a little back and forth in the Rant Line™ about the booking agents? Who's your favourite? And why? [BLEEP!]

M To all of the losers who answered my previous rant about show flyers polluting the environment, just take a shower and find a real job - preferably one that's legal. Due to your expertise with glue and brushes, decent citizens have to go around on streets that look like the bottom of a trash can. Musicians who need to visually pollute to bring people to their shows should consider changing careers. And by the way, my friend, I don't use the evil toilet paper, I wear RE-USABLE COTTON DIAPERS. So maybe I'm even more alternative than you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I went to the Ministry concert and it was freaking awesome. The band was amazingly intense and the fans were great, too. The whole thing just kicked ass! I just felt I had to say something because nobody at La Presse, the Gazette, Journal de Montréal, Le Devoir, 24 Heures, Métro, Flash or MusiquePlus cared to do so. How can MusiquePlus mention the appearance of some hockey player at a Simple Plan concert, and then some kind of party thrown by Adidas, the shoe company, and not mention the passing of a great band like Ministry to our fair city - a hard-working band with a real important message. Some people in this town just aren't doing their job and it's a shameful thing. [BLEEP!]

M This is about the club scene in Montreal. Last weekend we went to Saphir and there were all those freakin' goths - these people who are supposed to be open-minded, but because we didn't dress like them, they had all sorts of ATTITUDE. We're just there to dance, we're not there to pick up your ass. After that we went to Aria and it was the same deal. Where can people dance? Does anybody know where there's a place where people can actually move and not just sit there and try to pick up chicks? [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, okay, this is short but sweet, much like the highs you get from pills. Which is what everyone should be calling that big round bench in Berri metro station up by the turnstiles. Yeah, you know that big round bench. It's called THE PILL and the reason for that, for all you people who have never been to a rave, I'm not going to explain. You've just got to go to a rave to figure it out. Until then, meet your buddies at the Pill. [BLEEP!]

M I'd love to reply to that little bitch complaining about how she can't get a job at Chapters or McDonald's because she has more than two piercings and then stating that it's not fair and that it's like judging someone on the colour of their skin. Listen, missy, that's the way it is. You go get a job, you gotta cut your hair. You have green or blue hair, you've gotta get rid of it. The same goes with piercings. You're not gonna get a job with a face full of metal. You're not gonna get a job with tattoos all over your neck or hands. That's reality. There's two things that are incredibly staid and stale in this city and that's tattoos and piercings. I remember a time when you'd get a tattoo, you'd get a piercing, it was a statement. Now every dork and idiot out there has to have them. You got it? [BLEEP!]

M I just saw something on TV that I can't ignore. RAIN - that stands for the Rape, Abuse and Incest Network - were doing a fundraiser. That's great, but there was an irony in the selection of the entertainment - a fashion show with totally bitchy looking models, practically naked with their FAKE BOOBS showing. They looked like objects - the very thing I think RAIN would be against. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I'd like to know if this is normal. I've lived in Canada all my life and I've never met a VIRGIN. [another female voice] She's 25 years old. [first voice] Anyway, I go to Brooklyn for three days, I meet a virgin. I can't believe it. And I de-virginized him! A 21-year-old. Can you believe it? Where are the virgins in Montreal? [other voice] You've got 21-year-old good-looking men in Brooklyn and you come to Montreal, the sex-out city, and there are no virgins and I'm looking at her like she's a goddess, fuck! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum