by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

And you saps thought the worst thing in your future was "four more years." Ha! No, there is a force on this Earth far more powerful, terrifying and life-negating than the Bush administration. It has a history of well over a decade of soul-scarring violence, monstrous obscenity, sacrilegious devastation and ungodly horror - and a new album out, too!

The mighty GWAR, briefly, are a horde of ancient cosmic barbarians who landed in Antarctica millennia ago, spawned us humans by fucking monkeys, occasionally laid entire civilizations to waste and then, uh, started a metal band. Those plucky souls who have witnessed their live spectacle and not collapsed into gibbering puddles of madness report not only furious riffage but also the gruesome rape and evisceration of current-affairs figures, harrowing medieval battles and tidal waves of blood, guts, semen, brains and other slimy stuff (this writer has a ruined Cramps T-shirt to prove it).

Perhaps tired of living, the Mirror foolhardily contacted GWAR for an audience with their "commander-in-chief" Oderus Urungus to discuss the American election (the night of which GWAR play Montreal), and got exactly what it deserved.

Oderus Urungus: Aaagglaagghhhaaack!

Mirror: Hello? Hello, Lord Urungus?

OU: Haaalloo! Haaalllooo! Haaaggghhk!

M: Hi -

OU: Whaddaya want?!

M: Um, first of all, I should ask, what is the correct title by which a mere human such as myself should address you?

OU: Oh, shit, Rupert. There's no need for such banal pleasantries!

M: So, "dude" would -

OU: A simple "Lord Emperor Godlike Being" - or perhaps, yes, "dude."

M: Great. Now, this seems to be a good time to be GWAR. First of all, you've got an absolutely ferocious new album, War Party, with which to brutalize the human race. Would you care to summarize the theme of this record?

OU: Well, basically, we've seen the tremendous mess that you humans are making of your lives. We enjoy this chaos, we've forced it upon the world, but we don't think you're embracing the violence enough. Basically, what we're trying to do is get the human race to help us with our most cherished goal (begins to yell), destroying the human race, by allying you all together into one great, seething war party, dedicated to the eradication of all life on this planet! We will ally Mossad with Al Qaida! The Blank Panthers with the KKK and the Republicans with the Democrats! We will give them all malt liquor and nuclear weapons, and this planet will explode in a seething nuclear fireball!!

M: Hot damn! It's about time!

OU: Yes, that's the idea, basically - all before lunch.

Murder ballots

M: Now, I realize that human beings must seem, to you, so utterly wretched and insignificant. Our lives, our hopes, dreams and fears, must be but the empty chirping of insects to you. But from your lofty and terrifying heights, you must sometimes amuse yourselves by observing our foolish endeavours.

OU: Yes, the way I would put it is, sometimes you go into a convenience store -

M: To rob it or just to shop?

OU: No, just to pick up a hot dog. Then you go to the condiment bar, with those little packets of mayonnaise and relish, different toppings, maybe even some sauerkraut and a free chilli machine. That's what I feel like when I'm standing on stage, facing a crowd of human beings. You're not really significant in any way, but you're kind of tasty in a minute manner. There are many things inside of you - once you actually get inside a human, and I mean physically rip the sternum open - then the colours come out.

M: Heh, heh, that's beautiful. Now, among our many hijinx that we get up to, which must be of great delight to you -

OU: Anything you do, really, is beneath my comprehension, but the noble and worthy pursuit of war is the loftiest of all human ideals.

M: Well, one thing that's leading to that - the forthcoming American federal election. I want to discuss it with you because it's transpiring on the very eve you're performing here in Montreal.

OU: Yes, we will be watching the results very closely, but no matter what occurs in the American election, it won't have any effect on the War Party. (yelling) We've already taken over and I'm already set up as overlord of the planet and both of them are going to die in the GWAR show anyway, so any kind of term they might achieve through some stupid, fraudulent election will be a short one at best!

Capitol punishment

M: Did you have occasion to watch any of the presidential debates?

OU: Actually, I was disguised as a cockroach and attended them all personally. When Bush kept making all those weird faces, that was me crawling around in his underwear.

M: Right on! Now, to whatever degree you can distinguish between these negligible specks called human beings, what are your perceptions of the two candidates, Bush and Kerry?

OU: Well, Kerry's blatantly idiotic attacks on Cheney's gay daughter are to be applauded. He should just say the words, "gay daughter, gay daughter!" over and over again. Now, as far as Bush is concerned, well, he's an imbecile, isn't he? If the people in America elect George Bush again, then they pretty much deserve everything they get, now, don't they? He's earned my wrath and will suffer my scorn - and all these worthless motherfuckers will be accompanying GWAR on tour! We're gonna beat the shit out of them every night, disembowel them, impale them, rip their little ears off - and then resurrect them the next day and do it all over again!

M: Wonderful! That's the GWAR tradition I love so much.

OU: Washington, D.C., will be in flames, Congress and the Senate will be dissolved - actually dissolved, in a great pit of acid -

M: Heh, heh, heh!

OU: - the War Party platform will collapse, killing millions (screaming) and the new Constitution shall be inked on the skin of the President's buttocks! I think GWAR fans will be delighted to know that after all these years, I'm still making unreasonable, violent and stupid demands left and right - AND I INSIST THAT THEY BE PERFORMED!

Shock the vote

M: A number of dubious musical performers, including REM and Bruce Springsteen, have set out on a concert tour to encourage voting for the Democratic candidates. Another rocker, Alice Cooper, was recently quoted as saying that he disapproved of musicians voicing strong political opinions, because in his estimation, musicians are imbeciles and should not be taken seriously. What are your musings on the matter?

OU: I think Alice is right on the mark. When bloated, corporate behemoths like Bruce Springsteen get up there and start singing songs about the World Trade Center, I can't think of anything more nauseating. Wasn't REM bad enough? Then the Beastie Boys got all concerned about the monks in Tibet. What must we suffer through next? Go back to your brass monkey, ya lovable yob! FUCK TIBET! FUCK BRAD PITT! FUCK ANY STAR! IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE FUCKING DALAI LAMA, WHY DON'T YOU GET FUCKING SONY MEGA-CORPORATION TO DONATE HALF OF YOUR SALARY TO HIM!?

M: Mmm. Good point.

OU: I agree with Alice Cooper 100 per cent on that one. Unless your band is the fucking Minutemen, shut the fuck up.

M: Right on! Now, just as the Democrats are drawing on gays, Communists, vegetarians and dolphin-fucking hippies as their electoral base, the Republicans are calling upon their most steadfast electoral base, the far-right Evangelical Christians.

OU: Horrible!

M: Their political goal is to remake America as a glorious medieval theocracy.

OU: (gasps in exasperation)

M: What observations do you have to make about this large and politically powerful constituency?

OU: First of all, I can assure you they will fail. Even if GWAR wasn't on the planet, they would fail, because their ideas are obsolete and their time is past. And like the greying old fogies that support it, this idea will die! Now, that's not to say the other side is any better! Their fake concern and mealy-mouthed pandering and continual hypocrisy show that their agenda is the same as the very beast they seek to uproot! THEY CRAVE POWER, THEY CRAVE THE CONTINUANCE OF POWER SO THAT THEY CAN PASS DOWN THE POWER TO THOSE WHO COME BEHIND THEM! THEY CARE NOTHING FOR 99 PER CENT OF YOUR PLANET! IT'S UNBELEIVABLE TO ME THAT THE HUMAN RACE CONTINUES TO ALLOW THIS CONDITION TO OCCUR! THAT'S WHY GWAR IS AMONGST YOU - TO INSPIRE YOU TO WAR AGAINST THESE POWERS, THESE FAT, CORPULENT, OLD, DUSTY, GAY-DAUGHTER, MOTHERFUCKING - THEY'RE JUST NOT ANY FUN!

M: That's right!

OU: Let's take 'em out - together. And after we're done, I'll take you out.

M: Okay -

OU: But we gotta go Dutch.

With Dying Fetus and All That Remains at Club Soda on Tuesday, Nov. 2, 8 p.m., $25, all ages

>> Music Listings