M If you guys wanna talk about what's going on big in the Montreal music scene, I think what's up is the goddamn kids in the back of the punk shows who think they're cool because they go over to a sex store and buy a $30 bottle of POPPERS and sit there in the back of the concert sniffing, getting high, then acting like fools in the middle of the show and fucking it up for everybody. Fuck that. [BLEEP!]

M You wanna talk about hot? I will tell you about hot. The drummer of the Unicorns has the TIGHTEST ASS in this entire city. There is no ass tighter and there is no ass more beautiful than the drummer of the Unicorns. Thank you and good night. [BLEEP!]

M [rapping] Hey, when I met you, I said my name is Rich and I thought you were the b-b-b-b-bitch/When I met you, I said my name is Ray and I thought you were motherfucking gay. Hey, and I want you to write this down next week, motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

F You know what's really shitty? I was going to apply for a job at Chapters and my friend advised me to wear my hair down at the interview. It turns out that you're not allowed to have more than TWO PIERCINGS when you work there. My friend at McDonald's had the same problem - he used to have to take out his ear piercings. That's not fair, it's like judging someone on the colour of their skin. It's not like our faces are pierced and even if they were, like, who cares? It's so accepted now. Why would they ever be able to turn us away? [BLEEP!]

M Yes, we have a star in town that very few people know about and she should actually be exposed to more people because she is a star, okay? She should be on a much bigger stage, I don't know how it's possible but anyways - MARGO THE WEATHER GIRL on CKUT. This is an unknown star in Montreal! You guys should promote this girl. This is somebody with star talent who's going places. The only thing is that she's stuck at CKUT. It's probably too small a radio station for people to understand the star quality that this girl has. Spread the word, Rant Line™, because you guys could be the guys who set her career off. Let the world discover her and take the credit for it! I don't want to take the credit for it, I'm already great. Margo the weather girl. Take a listen to her in the morning starting at 7, Monday to Friday, 7 to 9. Better than all of the weather girls put together and the weather guys on all the other channels. Funnier than all of them put together. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to apologize to and for all the people in Carré St-Louis today who witnessed me being attacked by the resident RABID SPEED FREAK. I just wanna say sorry for the disturbance of my screaming for help and asking from you the favour of some sort of security to call the cops. And, also, to the cowards with the video cameras who were taping my attack, I just wanna say a big fuck you if you ever display it somewhere - this essential spectacle of me running for my life being chased by a speed freak. Everyone in the park thinks, "Look at the two freaks." Well, I'm not a freak. That was a random attack and fuck you all for not coming to my aid - except for the cool busker on Prince Arthur. He's the only one who stepped forward and I just want to thank him and apologize for all you cowards out there. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck? Why do people have a beef with this city? This city is awesome. It's wonderful! Everyone loves each other here, no one's worried about guns, everyone's worried about loving each other. So why the fuck do windows on Ste-Catherine always have to be bullet proof? My friend had to break her foot to show me how to DROP KICK one and, let me tell you, she's on crutches. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a rant to the OG local bartender. I live in Quebec and I go by the law. So your beer that's basically $3.50 with an additional 15 per cent makes a tip of 52.5 cents. Sorry, buddy, I know you're crying, but I'll give you your three pennies next time I come by. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who can't get a girl, you know, you're looking in the wrong place, obviously. And you're blaming your problems on somebody else, eh? Even Paul Bernardo and CHARLES MANSON could get girls, man. So if you're gonna blame it on someone else then you deserve to be alone, man. [BLEEP!]

M You know when it's real late at night and you're just sitting at home and you're trying to get that feeling. At times like this, I'm so glad I've got Miss Right. If she's too tired, then there's always Miss Left that can take over. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum