If it weren't for the invaluable lessons I learned from ABC's After School Specials, I'd probably be a boozing single mother times 10. Either that or dead from a drug-related accident. Starting this week, two of six double-disc volumes will be released, each with four installments of the hilariously oversimplified, morally driven teen tales. Schoolboy Father, starring Rob Lowe, taught me that heavy petting is a slippery slope into early parenthood. It's much better to blow a guy on the first date. She Drinks a Little, winner of two Emmy Awards and featuring St. Elsewhere's Bonnie Bartlett, showed me that as long as I didn't start drinking until I was of legal age, I was immune from becoming a true "alcoholic." But the greatest piece of wisdom I gained from the '72-'88 programming came from Desperate Lives. Sadly, this episode, where Helen Hunt jumps out of a two-storey window after she smokes a joint laced with angel dust, isn't listed as part of the collector's editions. The Mad About You star's performance was so convincing that to this day I never use hard drugs unless I'm on a ground-level structure. » Sarah Rowland