Dear Suddenly,
I get plenty of mail from people asking variations on the same question. I'm going to ask you one in return: what makes you think you deserve to meet someone? Going out with the words "meat market" etched in your mind says a lot about your approach. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of women looking for a solid one-off, but a brisk, resentful, entitled attitude is not going to facilitate that.
Famous mid-century debutante and fashion model Henrietta Tiarks called gentlemen "patient wolves." The arch adjective in this expression is becoming increasingly expendable. If men want this kind of connection without meeting someone halfway with a bit of charm and flare, they should fuck other men. That's one of the perks of sleeping with your own sex: you share a lot of things in common, including biology. (Incidentally, this is one of my theories as to why "straight" women go so bonkers for drag kings, but I'll go into that another time.)
Maybe places don't advertise themselves specifically as singles bars because the term sounds passé. Where it used to imply a hint of the renegade - a shag rug, a teak hi fi, and a platter of brandy-spiked ambrosia chilling in the fridge… well, you get the picture. It's woefully gone the way of the stewardess for intrigue value.
To my knowledge, there is no end to bars where straight singles convene. Personal ads and Web sites abound as well, so I'm going to flat-out tell you that it's your attitude that's giving you trouble, and guess what? Experts confirm this.
"You are absolutely correct when you say that lack of poise, and a poor first impression are hindering singles in their quest for a relationship," say Lisa Wright and Lynne Waugh, corporate etiquette and image consultants at The Etiquette Advantage.
Etiquette authority Adeodata Czink of Business of Manners agrees, and though I hate to reference the book that's on its way to becoming the I'm Okay, You're Okay of my generation, I have to agree with Czink's assertion that, "The Mars/Venus concept applies here. Very generally speaking, men have the attitude ‘come naked, bring beer' while women like to be wooed. They need to be wooed."
Czink offers some practical techniques: "Men, how can you approach a woman gracefully? First, make eye contact. If she returns it and holds it, you can approach her. If she looks away, you are not welcome to approach. Why pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued? What a waste of energy! When you approach, you might say, "I don't believe we've met" and introduce yourself with your full name. It is up to her to shake hands or not." This is all conduct that implies self-confidence rather than self-satisfaction, a great sign of things to come (yes, the innuendo is intentional).
"You have two things in common," continues Czink, "the place you are at, and what you are eating or drinking. Start with that. ‘Tell me about yourself' is a good follow up. Listen carefully to what she says and comment on it. Ask questions within the subjects she has talked about. Then you appear to be interested, and you are still on safe ground." Some effort, then, is in order. And if you do happen upon an inordinate number of couples, charming them is a sure way to their single friends.
