M Yeah, I got a beef about SMELLS. I was at Miami bar last night, having a good old time, waiting in line for the washroom. If you're not familiar with the bar, there's one room for the females, and one for the men, but really, they're interchangeable. So when the women's washroom opens up, I go in. And while I was in there, I passed wind. And someone kept knocking on the door, and when I opened the door up, there's this girl going, "Oh, it took you so long." Whatever. So when she steps into the bathroom, she says, exactly these words, "Did you do POTTY in there?" First of all, who says that? Second, I looked at her straight in the eye and I explained myself, without prejudice, being the forthright guy that I am, that yes, when I was in the bathroom I farted one time. To which she answers, "Fuck you," and slams the door in my face. So I've heard of these people who think their shit don't stink, but who do you think you are? To tell somebody off for farting in a bathroom? Since when are people not allowed to do whatever they need to do behind the locked door of a water closet? You know, smell one of your own sometime. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is the Ratman from Sex Oven. To the guy talking about the environment and trees and musician's posters. What do you expect us to post them on? Sheets of steel? It's not like we have any other resource except to go out and make photocopies to try and get people to our shows. If that offends you, sorry. Like, do you use TOILET PAPER? Do you know how much toilet paper gets wasted? And you're talking about the environment and trees, you bleeding heart? [BLEEP!]

M Ranting about bands putting up their posters is pretty lame, dude. Going after the little guys, man, instead of going after the huge multi-national corporations that actually manufacture the paper. Geez buddy, I wonder if you've gone to Concordia recently and bitched them out for all the stupid print-outs that they give to kids who wind up joining bands and putting posters up. Or how about going after the Mirror for printing up tons and tons of issues that wind up being scattered all over the metro. I put up posters and I recognize it's a necessary evil but man, there are way better things to complain about than the little guy putting up posters. [BLEEP!]

M Listen dude, you like music but you hate the posters. Well, think about this. Just about every one of your favourite bands at one point was standing on a street corner with a bucket full of wallpaper paste and a paintbrush. Consider that the next time you pop in your favourite Ben Harper CD. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to those racist French punks who I heard say, in French, that IMMIGRANTS come here to steal their jobs. Really? You know what, Benoît, or whatever your name is, you are a high school dropout. That's why you work taping brown boxes all day or as the poutine guy at La Belle Province. Either go back to school and stop complaining or finish making my hot dog so you can go drag race your rusted 1991 modified Chevrolet Cavalier! Go drink your Labatt Blue and watch your Star Académie, you patate frite loser! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I love pot, and I advocate everyone's right to use it. But just like booze, you can whack your body and your mind with it. The pot around today is too strong for some people. Just like LSD, pot should be used with caution by people with WEAK EGO DEVELOPMENT. Pot can push some people into the shadows and then over the edge into psychosis. So just use it wisely. Know yourself, have fun. But if you feel paranoid, that's not fun, is it? [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the OG bartender, as he called himself. When you work in a student bar, how can you not expect to have drunk people puking, fighting and putting gum in ashtrays? I mean, it's a student bar! This is what they do traditionally! Seriously man, you need to find another line of work. [BLEEP!]

M Hey there. I'm making this call from my cell phone and guess what? I'm not at the movies, I'm not watching a rock concert and I'm definitely not in my car. Basically, I'm not anywhere I can be a NUISANCE. For crying out loud, why can't people realize there is a time and a place when you don't use a cell phone. The thing that kills me is that the cell phone was supposed to free you and instead you're a bunch of slaves. It chooses when you answer it and not you! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, sorry Rant Line™. I'm sure I was ranting yesterday. I don't remember what I was talking about but I'm sure I called. Anyway, I was off my MEDICATION and I'm sure I sounded like a lunatic so whatever it was I ranted, erase it. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum