Dear Sasha: I am (or at least was) a member of the furry community. My boyfriend is not. He says that it doesn't bother him, but everything he does says otherwise. While I do enjoy the porn (a lot) there is more to it than that. Because of this, I've left behind this... fetish? The problem is that I feel something is missing. I've never really enjoyed "real" photographic porn, and since he's not always around it makes my life a little difficult. » Just Dave

Dear JD,
For readers who are mystified by the term "furry," in one sense, it implies a sexual interest in anthropomorphic characteristics, like a cat girl or rhinosaurus boy, though I am mindful to offer any definition at all. Like nearly every subculture that marches adamantly on the outskirts of convention, you get a lot of furries who enjoy lording the intricacies of their penchant over the unenlightened (in other words, sex columnists who are happy as long as you're happy but maybe carelessly misuse an "in" term). Suddenly, you are beset by missives from people with made-up medieval animal names, showering you with contempt because you have no real grasp on the complexities of their fantasy world. A person would like to be sensitive to everyone's kinks, but it's hard not to want to shove an unlubricated My Little Pony up some of these people's asses.

Having said that, I did have a perfectly ordinary conversation with Benjamin at Furry.ca. Furry, according to Benjamin, is both a fetish and a lifestyle, and it looks like you're having trouble with both. "This letter is a typical example of the problem. His mate likely doesn't understand furry and finds it strange, which often puts a strain on the relationship," says Benjamin. Like so many people who have a fetish and/or lifestyle their partner doesn't share, you are running into that frosty, passive-aggressive stance that people take when they don't want to appear censorious, but they also want you to be aware of their disapproval. You know, kind of like Canadian sex and prostitution laws.

I would want to talk to other people who share my concerns and interests, which you can do on furry.ca. Making your boyfriend own up to his passive aggressiveness isn't going to be easy, but your hobby and fetish give you pleasure, and you should be able to pursue them without feeling all… sheepish.

Dear Sasha: I'm in my mid-20s, and since my early teens I have been addicted to pornography. I have seen it all, and despite my efforts to stop, I always end up back in the cycle. I feel it has affected my life in a negative fashion, and would take any advice you could give, in particular any resources available for people in my situation, or possibly a support group. » V

Dear V,
There are tons of online resources for men who suffer from what they classify as porn addiction, many listed here: http://open-mind.org/Sex-Love.htm. I just wish so many of them weren't so brimstone and hellfire-y, and I sure as shit am not going to recommend any that offer the added service of "ex-gay resources," along with all the other shame-based propaganda. Some of the tactics of these organizations are downright inane. Check out www.firesofdarkness.com/ecards.htm, featuring e-cards of dewy flowers with trite statements about how porn addiction is hurtful, the means and sentiment of which are so ineffectual and condescending, they seem like a cruel joke. Promise Keepers and other religious fanatics can't be the only ones providing reprieve from a preoccupation that so many people seem to find so troubling. You should be able to turn your life around without having to turn it over to a bunch of deranged guilt-mongers.

I found a book by David Loftus called Watching Sex: How Men Really Respond to Pornography, which I would like to recommend. I haven't finished reading it, but I like that it covers concerns and experiences with pornography from a multitude of male perspectives - curiously rare in the porn debate. Don't let the endorsement by Tom Robbins put you off: it looks like the text is virtually vaginal metaphor-free. And if anyone knows of a secular sex and porn addict support group or therapist (one with a little more focus on giving up porn than finding God), please let us know.

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